Whether you want to admit it or not, you will have to do the ‘ol straddle and flop in a public restroom in your lifetime. It’s not something you talk about in mixed company. Most people hide their shame. I like to let people know about it, whether you want to or not. If you’re still reading, I assume you do.
Despite my interest in talking about this with people and laughing about it, going to the bathroom for anything more than a quick “numero uno” is a true phobia of mine. My wife alway says she has an irrational fear of spiders. Why can’t mine be sitting on some other man’s oil slick? Gross. It’s IRRATIONAL.
A few months ago, I was on my way back to Virginia Beach after a day of work. I got off a little early, but didn’t have any time for lunch. I wanted to get back home and relax a bit. Either way, the ratio of coffee to food in my system was rather high.
My thoughts and rumbled feelings that day are best described in the Kubler-Ross Model, better known as the 5 Stages of Grief. The commentary going on in my head, based on the aforementioned model, went as follows:
Setting: Interstate 95. Somewhere between Fredericksburg and Ashland.
Our hero: Faint rumbles in my stomach. First a gurgle sensation, growing to sharp pains shooting like a lightning bold down my spine and out of my stomach. uh oh.
The time is 2:00 pm. Exit 140. Stafford.
1. DENIAL
Ooof. My stomach is kind of rumbling. I think I’ll be fine though. Do I have to go to the bathroom?
There’s a Starbucks at the next exit. Maybe I should stop there and see if I really do have to go.
(The mind processes, synapses fire, etc.)
Nah, I’ll be good. Maybe my body knows I am going home.
Where am I anyway? Why am I gripping the steering wheel so tight, and why the hell am I starting to sweat?
For some reason, I have managed to turn off the radio like you do when you are coming up to a destination. Who does that? And why? Where do I think I am going?
(GURRRRRRGLE – FRRP – CSSSSSSST)
Clenches stomach.
Oh, God No.
Denial is not just a river in Africa. The struggle is getting real.
2. ANGER
2:08 pm. Exit 136. Stafford Airport.
AHHHHHHHH. WHY DID I NOT STOP BACK THERE. Now I am going to sit here and keep holding it until I find a better place to go. I could go back around and hit 95 N to the Starbucks, but that is just a waste of time.
Why the hell is this happening to me now? I woke up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work and now have to drive home with what feels like an Armageddon sized boulder waiting for reentry into the atmosphere. Bruce Willis, where are you?
Now I am in the dead zone. There is no good exits here for miles and miles. Well, anything that won’t take me forever to get back on the interstate and moving. I need to get out of the corridor before it gets too crowded. Dropping a D will end up setting me back a half an hour or 45 minutes at least. Why is this happening now!
Our hero presses on. The foot on the gas better gets slightly heavier. The sweat is visible now on the ring of his blue dress shirt.
I think I am in trouble. Damn this phobia.
3. BARGAINING
2:25pm. Exit 118. Thornburg.
Exit 92. I have to make it there. It is my sanctuary. Rick had the CDC in Season 1 of the Walking Dead. Agent Smith had Zion. I have Exit 92.
I am crossing Mudd Tavern Rd. Isn’t that just hilarious.
(GURRRRRRGLE – FRRP – CSSSSSSST)
HNGGGGGGGGGGGG OW OW OW OW OW.
A slow but steady line of traffic appears.
ARE YOU F$%#!NG KIDDING ME. RIGHT NOW.
Taps the steering wheel incessantly.
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO COME ON.
Oh, great. Look at what I am passing here at this exit. Maybe something good will show up. Let’s see:
McDonalds: I might as well try to go in a trash can.
Wendy’s: It’s just classy McDonald’s. Prob more grease. They never have paper towels, anyway.
Bojangles: Gross.
Gas Station(s): Double Gross.
Maybe Wendy’s won’t be so bad. I bet I could try real quick.
All our hero can think about is the opening lyrics to “Bump ’n Grind:”
“My mind’s telling me no
But my body, my body’s telling me yes”
What do I listen to? My body or mind? I’m a rational guy…I can figure this out.
Our hero envisions the toilet scene from Trainspotting in his head. Any thought of stopping at Wendy’s for a squat are diminished.
He grips the steering wheel tighter. The music is turned back on as a distraction.
I. MUST. MAKE. IT. TO. ASHLAND. Why am I thinking in a Scottish accent?
4. DEPRESSION
2:47pm. Exit 108. Rest Stop.
That traffic took longer than expected. UGH, I am so sad. There is no way I am stopping at a public rest stop to go. That’s like allowing the guy next to you to double decker while cooking you a meal. No way.
Whenever and wherever I do finally go, it is going to be terrible. I know it. I’ll have to cave and go somewhere disguisting. I don’t even have my set up, right? Pitchers always talk about the “perfect game” or business types are always “in the zone,” but for me – I have the perfect set up – I only have like 6% left on my phone. Unless I seriously dim the son of a bitch, I am looking to get only a few precious moments of good google searching or Facebooking until its lights out and back into the dark ages. I could stop on the side of the road and plug in my charger to my car, but that would take effort. Or unnecessary movement. And If I do go somewhere with no phone, I’ll just be sitting there on some strange toilet that isn’t yours without anything to look at. I’d have to read a magazine or something, but I don’t have a magazine. Better yet, who would take a magazine into the bathroom. Insurance plan? Gross. That would hurt a lot.
I now understand Faust.
Damnit, where is there an acceptable bathroom? I’ve driven down this road for ten miles and the only exits I see are for fast food restaurants. Eat healthy, America. Then nice guys like me could have decent places to poop. That’s all I ask for.
Nice guys finish last, right? I just hope its not in a 2013 Toyota Camry.
The sweat is now pooling on his neck. The struggle is more real than ever.
5. ACCEPTANCE
3:01pm. Exit 92. Ashland.
A Starbucks! OH LAWS YES! M-O-O-N, that spells poop.
Our hero quickly gets off the exit and speeds into the coffee establishment. You know the rest.
###
For the record, the bathroom wasn’t that great – but at that point, you must accept the hand (or seat) you are given.
LIFE LESSON. ZING!
Delusional Thoughts From Fantasy Island 
Haha! Been there done that.