January 2015 – Delusional Thoughts From Fantasy Island

It’s Time We Talk About It: Pasturbation

January 31, 2015January 31, 2015 mengx0011 Comment

We need to talk for a minute about a silent epidemic that’s sweeping this nation. Forget about influenza or the measles. Anti-vaccers have no power here. We are talking about pasturbation. I said that correctly: PAST-UR-BATION. Pasturbation is the true clear and present danger in the United States right now. If you are reading this, you have probably pasturbated in the last twenty-four hours. My God – you might be pasturbating RIGHT NOW.

What is pasturbation? Let me tell you.

pas·tur·ba·tion noun \ˌpas-tər-ˈbā-shən\

: self satisfactory stimulation from one’s recollection of past life experiences spoken to an individual or group of individuals who have no interest in listening; commonly resulting in dull, witless conversation and verbal diarrhea; causes occasional friend or relationship ending, swallowed sadness, self loathing, or a combination of these agencies.

Individuals prone to Pasturbation may experience the following symptoms:

An inflated sense of self-purpose.
Sounding dull and baseless to your friends and loved ones.
Living in a residence in or around the Ghent neighborhood of Norfolk, VA or Brooklyn, NY.
Referring to “we” in reference to professional sports teams.
Uses hashtags on social media platforms other than Twitter.
Starting conversations with “Do you remember that time?”
The desire to senselessly name drop in casual conversation.
Spouting long diatribes about the differences between “rap” and “hip hop,” while pretending to like neither.
Asking you rhetorical questions without giving you the time to answer.
Giving yourself a nickname.
Posting inspirational quotes on their Facebook wall.

Pasturbation, not unlike masturbation, is a complete act of self-satisfaction. Both actions satisfy the individual performing the act, often at the expense of others. They don’t hurt anyone in particular, but can cause some issues to surface. There are no myths or legends associated with pasturbation. Your palms won’t get hairy. You won’t go cross-eyed. You can’t eat Kellog’s Corn Flakes to reverse its symptoms. You’ll just look a little more like a douchebag each time you do it. Put simply, pasturbation is all about talking about the glorious days of your past while in the present.

Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all done it. More importantly, we have all endured listening to it happen and done nothing about it. There are events in all of our lives that we want to remember in the good times in the bad. Maybe you were hot shit in high school. Maybe you won a spelling bee. Remember that winning touchdown you scored, or the three-pointer from pee wee league basketball? Well, nobody else does. Did any of these events have a direct effect on where you are now in life? Probably not. But we still hold them close to the vest like some sort of life-experience talisman.

For me, I tend to go back to the glory days of my teenage youth when I played music in bands. It was a great time in my life that I look back fondly. It’s honestly fun to talk about. Everybody loves a little bass guitar and angst mixed together. I probably don’t need to bring it up in public, as it likely sounds show-boaty and pretentious. So why do I do it? What purpose does it really serve? In the end, these ruminations only help myself. Nobody wants that – nobody wants to be that guy, right?

In order to avoid being “that person,” I’m here to help you when pasturbation strikes. If you or a loved one are experiencing the onset of a pasturbating individual, do one of the following to counteract its effect:

Begin talking about different things that also happened in the year they are pasturbating on. For example: “Cool story bro. The same year you threw that game-winning touchdown in the game, Master P was relevant.” Or perhaps try “1991? That was a really good year for Jodeci.”
Find an emotional flaw and exploit it like an Achilles’ heel. Pasturbation tends to bring many of those insecurities to the surface.
Mimic their own verbal diarrhea by farting in your hand and lifting it up to their nose. This should casually stop all conversation.
Take a fake phone call on your phone and step aside for a moment. Hope to God that no ACTUAL phone call comes through. This move has equal risk and benefits associated with it.
Or just simply walk away.

Living out your glory days in the present does nothing for your future unless you’re in a job interview with your resume or portfolio in front of you. That’s about it. I mean seriously, who wants to live out the lyrics of a Bruce Springsteen song? Have you every actually listened to the lyrics of “Glory Days?” It’s a wonderful song, but the words are seriously depressing and sad. Don’t be that person.

The worst form of pasturbation is with mixed company. I know that many of us (including myself) are victims and offenders of this.

Here is a common scenario. I’ll put it in typical screenwriting format to make it

easier. Perhaps you can act it out with your friends or loved ones.

PASTURBATION: THE ONE ACT PLAY

LOCAL BAR – EVENING

John is meeting up with his girlfriend Laura and a few of her college friends at a local watering hole on a Thursday evening. John walks into the bar after work and sees Laura conversing with her two friends, Stacy and Denise.

JOHN
Hey Babe. How are you?

LAURA
Hey honey, I’m good! I want to introduce you to my
girlfriends from college, Stacy and Denise.

They all introduce each other and shake hands. Smiles are shared all around. John stops the waitress to order a beer.

JOHN
Really great to finally meet you guys in person.

STACY
Definitely. It’s been what….two years since you guys
started dating!?

JOHN
Yeah. Pretty crazy. So what are you girls talking about?

DENISE
OMG, John. We were just talking about some good times
we had in college.

The girls point up to the air and shout in unison.

LAURA/STACY/DENISE
KAPPA ZETA NU!!!!

JOHN
Jesus, Laura. I didn’t know you were in
a sorority.

STACY
John, did you know how hot your girlfriend
was back then? So. Effing. Hot. God, we
had some fun times.

JOHN
Totally. So where do you guys work?

DENISE
Do you remember that time we all got
trashed at the spring formal? Stacy you were
soooo wasted.

STACY
Well, duh, you would be wasted too if you got
a perfect score on Professor Dungy’s political
science exam. I did so well on it. I remember
nailing the second essay question about the U.N.
response to Rwanda. I thought I was going to fail, but
aced it. Go me! Man, I was SO good at political science,
you know? I wanted to change the world.

JOHN
Oh, that’s great. Do you work in politics now?

STACY
No, I ended up majoring in communications. I work as a receptionist for my dad’s construction company.

JOHN
Oh. I’m sorry.

John begins to think about ways he can pass the time and wait for the pasturbatory circle jerk to end. Should he go to the bathroom? No. That won’t last too long. Fake sickness? No. He would have to deal with that when he got home. I guess the only thing to do is to sit and deal with it.

STACY
Why should you be sorry, John? Being a receptionist
is kinda fun. I mean, what are fantasies, anyway?
I gave up on those “pie in the sky” hopes and dreams after
I married Tony.

JOHN
Is Tony your husband?

STACY
Uh, yeah. He is a piece of shit. I’m sure he’s at home
with the kids now. I don’t want to talk about depressing
stuff.

JOHN
But…

STACY
Tony doesn’t have shit on Roger, the guy I dated
sophomore year. He was beautiful. Do you remember
him? He looked like Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life.
I remember I once screamed out “Where’s Tino” during sex.

DENISE
You slut!

STACY
Whatever, you’re the slut. I should really Facebook stalk
roger. He probably wants to hear about the times we had
awkward, non-pleasant sex over a decade ago.

John continues to look at his watch and fondle the rim of his glass uncomfortably like a blind stripper auditioning on Star Search.

STACY
Remember when we all got dressed up and went
door-to-door asking for shots and beers?

LAURA
Oh my gawd, that was so crazy! Denise, I thought
you were going to make out with the guy in the apartment
across from us. He was sooooo cute.

DENISE
Um, YEAH HE WAS! He wanted some of this
body. Who wouldn’t God, I used to have a rocking bod.
I could go to the gym once a year and eat
anything I want. Those were the days.
John, you could bounce a quarter off my ass!
It was incredible. You girls didn’t have it easy like
me back then…but I’m paying for it now,
right? Sorry John. I guess you’d have to be there.

JOHN
Pretty much…

John gives a half smile to feign passing interesting in whatever basic shit they are talking about from the past. He stares into his beer and ponders how many of these it will take to make the conversation interesting again. He just left work, and now he is fantasizing about what kinds of things he will copy tomorrow morning when he gets in at 9am.

The waitress walks by their table. John flags her down.

JOHN
Hi. Excuse me. Can I get four tequila shots?

WAITRESS
Oh, okay. Is this for the table?

JOHN
No, this is just for me.

So what is the lesson we learned here? There are certainly victims to pasturbation. There are side effects. I think the best thing we can do is be aware of it and its dangers. Living in the past only makes your present day situation THAT much sadder. Nobody wants to be sad. Be proud of who you are, recognize past events, and move on. Live in the now. Stop pasturbation.

7 Oscar Snubs

January 19, 2015January 19, 2015 mengx0011 Comment

It’s no real secret. I love movies. I don’t want to say the word “film,” because I think people that use that word in conversation are pretentious as hell. So, I will say that I love movies. I love going to them and talking about them. I love buying them the most (especially on sale). I don’t have a lot of hobbies anymore. If I did, I would say that watching movies would be one of them. It’s not even the escape that turns me on. It’s all about emotion. How does a movie make me feel? For a kid who labeled himself as an “EMOtional” person for several years, I think it’s pretty important. There are seriously no films with Elliot on the soundtrack? For shame.

I get especially butthurt when actors do not get their due. This seems especially relevant in context to this year’s Oscar nominations. My personal love-hate relationship with the Oscars began back during the 71st Academy Awards in 1999. That year, Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan for Best Picture. I have been extremely critical every year since . Here are a few Oscar snubs that make my list. These are for actors that failed to make Oscar contention (I won’t get into the sad history of Bill Murray’s Oscar career too much – just know that it WILL happen one day). When it comes down to it, great acting is all about entertainment value drawn from your emotional response: Am I entertained? Was it good? Do people like it? If you said yes to all three, I think there should be some sort of nod there.

My original list was comprised of 17 different actors who deserved an Oscar. For the sake of length, I narrowed it down to just seven.

1. Paul Dano – There Will Be Blood

“You are a stupid man, Abel. You’ve let someone come in here and walk all over us. You let him in and do his work here, and you are a stupid man for what we could have had.”

I saw this at the Naro in Norfolk with a few friends from grad school. I remember that I had to pee really bad because I downed a 32 oz. soda in its entirety within the first twenty minutes . I kept the urine in to the point of holding my crotch in pain because I didn’t want to miss a single minute. That’s how good it was. We all have to have principles, right? I remember walking out of the movie theater with an empty bladder and high spirits. I commented to one of my friends on the likelihood that Paul Dano would receive an Oscar nomination. Somehow, his portrayal of silver-tongued preacher Eli Sunday did not make the cut that year. It was shocking to say the least. The scene that really got to me was the church scene where he makes Daniel Plainview repent for his (many) sins. Don’t worry – his future sins were better. The camera angles alone in that scene alone are worth a gold statue. It still gives me chills. His voice was so shrill and cartoon-like that it almost didn’t work. Yet Dano sold it well. And the end? WHAT. Amazing. The pathetic shame-groveling was cinematic genius. It made me fearful of drinking milkshakes for at least a year. Why hasn’t this guy received his Oscar yet? It’s not like he falls back to his yachts and horde of hot chicks like Leo does. Get it together, white dudes who make all the movie decisions.

2. Steve Carell – Little Miss Sunshine

“Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.”

I thought his performance was real and heartbreaking. The scene on the pier when he is talking to Paul Dano’s character (who is also amazing) is one of the most honest movie scenes of recent memory. I think his rise in film was a bit too fast. He went from Office goof to a “respect me now” actor seemingly overnight. I don’t think anyone was ready for it. It looks like he is getting the respect he deserves with Foxcatcher.

3. Bill Murray – Rushmore

“Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.”

As far as Wes Anderson movies go, I still think this one is the best. I know what you are going to think – I have yet to see The Grand Budapest Hotel. That movie already has its share of Oscar buzz, anyways, so we won’t count it. I don’t want to get into my feels for Bill Murray or this movie because it would take too long. Whatever mistakes he made in his career (Garfield, anyone?), he makes up for in Rushmore. How many of us have wanted to do exactly what he does in the pool scene? Better yet, how many of us have wanted to do what he does throughout the entire movie? If you know me, then you know that he is my favorite actor. He REALLY delivers it in this one. A close second would be Broken Flowers. I will say, without going into too much detail, that I always cry when he is drinking coffee with Olivia Williams and she fixes his hair during the play intermission at the end. Ugh. Please be my fun Uncle, Bill. I will take dead aim.

4. Ed Harris – The Abyss

“Dont cry baby. Knew this was one way ticket, but you know I had to come. Love you wife.”

If that line doesn’t break you, I don’t know what will. For some reason, I always have a desire to watch this movie in the winter…maybe all that cold water from the movie.

I love Ed Harris as an actor. I can’t say that he is good in everything he does. That would be a HUGE lie (He almost ruined The Truman Show and Enemy at the Gates). His character in The Abyss, Virgil, is the everyman we all aspire to be deep down: caring, loyal, stubborn, handy, etc. Not too macho and not a bookish type, either. His performance really picks up when the Navy Seals show up. And what’s not to like about a movie with a little Navy stuff in it, eh? A close second for the Oscar nod would be Michael Biehn as Lt. Coffey, for sure. The fight scene with Biehn and the CPR scene with Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio are the best fifteen minutes of acting in his career.

5. Philip Seymour Hoffman – Boogie Nights

“I’m a fuckin’ idiot. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. Fuckin’ idiot, fuckin’ idiot, fuckin’ idiot…”

You can laugh all you want, Hoffman was incredible in this. The entire film is one big embarrassment transfer to begin with. Yet the scene with him and Mark Wahlberg outside with his new car brings awkwardness to a whole new and creepy level. Why couldn’t Dirk just kiss him back and love him? Such a sad and unfortunate character played by an equally sad and unfortunate actor. SO STUPIDDDD. I felt so bad for him. I was just glad he wasn’t a part of the botched robbery at Alfred Molina’s house. Work that boom, buddy. Dirk will come around. I’m still waiting for Boogie Nights 2: Dirk and Scotty.

To be fair, he probably wasn’t in the movie long enough to earn a nomination. Then again, Anne Hathaway won an Oscar for six minutes of screen time in a 75 hour musical. RIP P.S.H.

6. Diane Keaton – The Family Stone

“I love you. And you are more normal than any other… asshole sitting at this table. OK? OK. I need a fork.”

This movie destroys me. DESTROYS. ME. It’s the perfect blend of comedy and drama. Diane Keaton as the family matriarch is stunning. I think it is one of her best films in recent memory, even though you rarely hear about this movie or its star-studded cast. Sybil Stone takes the viewer through some serious laughs and some intense cries all the way up to the end. I don’t want to spoil it, but I will say to bring some tissues for this one. What I find so great about Diane Keaton is the way she finds a way to compliment her fellow actors and actresses in everything she is in. She did it in Father of the Bride (twice). She made Michael Corleone look even more sinister than he already was in The Godfather Part II. She can do anything. She is great…and still looks good in a men’s suit. First Wives Club isn’t Oscar worthy by any stretch, but it’s still pretty damn good.

7. Kathy Bates – Fried Green Tomatoes

“Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance.”

I recently watched this movie over again. When I say recent, I really mean yesterday. God bless you, Netflix. I was almost certain that she got an Oscar nod for this, and was deeply saddened when I scrolled through the IMDB and found that her counterpart Jessica Tandy received a nomination, but not her. What? Jessica Tandy was a great actress, but she barely made it in the movie. Kathy Bates’s transformation from beaten down wife to empowered Pre-Beyonce Beyonce (TAWANDA!) was a treat to watch from start to finish. Movies that have flash back subplots like this usually fail to match up to the main story told (Forrest Gump, Titanic). This movie, however, delivers in both past and present story lines. Kathy Bates holds the cast together, for sure. She seriously earned her Oscar for Misery. She also did for this film.

BONUS: Why are you popular?

This is a shortlist of people who I don’t understand how they get notoriety for being good actors. I just don’t get it.

1. Benedict Cumberbatch

He seriously looks like McDonald’s pink slime with a face. What humanoid factory did he stumble out of? I swear, some day he will become self-aware and alert Skynet that the humans are ready for takeover. He is a terrible actor who gets credit from geekdom for his roles in British shows people pretend to like. I assume most hate-watch it for street-cred. He was seriously terrible in Star Trek: Into Darkness. Scratch that – that whole movie was terrible. Which brings me to a final point: Dr. Who is bullshit and boring. It’s like a clingly ex-girfriend who keeps showing up on your Facebook feed. STAHP. I don’t care how much you like Sherlock Holmes, he played the creeper in Atonement way too well.

2. Vin Diesel

Look, I know you are Groot. That’s fantastic? I still have very little desire to see Guardians of the Galaxy (or any superhero movie) for quite a while. Make something original, please? Let’s not erase the fact that Vin Diesel cannot act. He is a pair of overpriced jeans, not an actor. It’s not even his real name. His real name is Mark Sinclair. Vin Diesel is like a bro’d out porn name you give yourself when you realize that the grainy video of you and your girlfriend humping from college might be “quality shit.” There are a few movies he is in that need subtitles. And I’m not talking about Stallone mush mouth, either. Diesel has his own brand of steroid-induced nonsense. His movies beg to be watched in low-fi television sets. Watching anything in IMAX with this guy is a gamble. I hope you bring your Speak ‘n Spell to his next flick. Let’s not forget that he is best known for making The Fast and the Furious, AKA Mario Kart: The Movie, seven different times. He is the frontman of the Nickelback of cinema. He got close to being good in the Chronicles of Riddick series. Real close. I thought the newest one was pretty decent (mostly because of Starbuck bewbs). Close….so close. But not enough.

Let me just put one point further: People that like Vin Diesel movies are 75% more likely to use hashtags on Facebook and post pictures of their car on Instagram. #sogood #FF7 #RIPPaulWalker #toosoon

3. Chris Pratt

Yes. I GET IT. You were the delightfully chubby guy from Parks and Rec. Now you are super cut and hot. That doesn’t mean you can act for shit, though. Please do not ruin Jurassic Park for me. Ian Malcolm demands it.

I can’t get on the bandwagon. He was/is funny in Parks and Rec. I will give him that. I can’t automatically like him because he stopped eating pizza and got super ripped. Quit putting these unrealistic representations of the human form on the screen. I’m glad he looks healthy, but he also was paid to work out, most likely with a 1,000/hr. personal trainer on retainer as well. I have mad respect for people that do what he did on their own and without the coaching. He just reminds me of the guy who posts his workout/crossfit videos on Facebook. Douche central. It is kind of sad because he is probably a super nice guy that doesn’t receive this kind of criticism. Ok, I already feel bad. He really is a nice guy. But I won’t retract my statement about him being a bad actor. He has his muscles and geekdom charm. That’s about it. I will continue to be fat and eat pizza out of the spotlight.

4. Mark Wahlberg

Seriously. You are a bad actor with a bad attitude. And your brother is married to Jenny McCarthy, who is certifiably crazy. The only good movie you were in was Three Kings. For comedic value, I’ll add The Other Guys to the list, although I think that movie was only funny because of Michael Keaton. I love Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights (see above), but I thought Wahlberg sucked up the screen time. More Juliane Moore and William H. Macy. And for the record: Nobody believed that was your dong. I looked it up. Twice. With pictures.

Nicole 4 eva.

5. Will Ferrell

I don’t get it. I thought Anchorman 2 was unwatchable. Just terrible. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies with tons of fart and dick jokes. Yet his recent string of movies are the literal worst. Should have stayed in SNL, bro.

His only good role in recent memory? Ashley Schaeffer. Give him an Emmy for that. That’s a role I can feel in my plums.