I love music. I love listening to it and collecting it. The best bar conversations are arguments over music, hands down. When it comes to music, I generally prefer the original song compared to a cover. There are some exceptions, such as Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” (Leonard Cohen), Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails), and The White Stripes’s “Jolene” (Dolly Parton). In these specific cases, the cover vastly outweighs the greatness of the original. Purists be damned.
Let me preface this post – I am not a music elitist, despite what many of my friends say. That being said, certain covers of music are just…bad. They move beyond simply poorly executed music and move into the realm of audio-holocaust. No music anthology is more responsible for this than Kidz Bop. In case you don’t know, Kidz Bop music compilations takes the most popular music of the day (What you would mostly see on a NOW compilation) and record kid-friendly versions of these songs. In order to make the songs appropriate for children, many of the lyrics and changed AND SUNG by a chorus of kids. That’s right, each track is a sing a long. I can only imagine a “cool guy” youth pastor trying to pass these songs off at a church social function.
Here is my list of the top 10 most upsetting Kidz Bop songs. I based my choices on each track having at least one of the three following criteria:
- Horrible versions of otherwise good songs.
- Drastic changes to the lyrics.
- The offensive nature of the lyrics – sung by children.
Without further ado – my top 10. They are most certainly in order.
10. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand (Kidz Bop 8)
Why It’s Bad: This is a great example of a terrible version of an otherwise good song. I was never the biggest fan of Franz Ferdinand. To be completely honest, they were my least favorite of the early 2000s garage rock explosion. The track feels hastily put together; more so than any normal Kidz Bop track. The chorus of kids shouting in the background sounds confused and rushed, like an updated chorus to Another Brick in the Wall, but way shittier.
Most Upsetting Aspect: For sure, the most upsetting aspect of the song is hearing the kids sing “I want you…to take me out.” Something is not right about that. I am listening to it in reverse so I can hear “free candy and ice cream” in the background.
9. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: I was actually surprised this song made it on the list. The lead singer and kid chorus rarely match up in vocal range. Somebody is flat the entire time, even with the heavily-used autotune. The synthesizer sounds like Windows ’95 MIDI.
Most Upsetting Aspect: I find myself asking the need for the song in the first place. Kids won’t associate with this song at all. It’s something, as grownups, we kinda smile and laugh at now. All I can hear is a bunch of kids singing “die” over and over again. You know why I am blue? A bunch of creepy kids are telling me to go die: da ba dee da ba DIE.
8. Hey Soul Sister – Train (Kidz Bop 18)
Why It’s Bad: As far as overplayed pop songs, it was a toss-up between this and Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I chose this one because I actually enjoy the Gotye song, whereas this song gives me a sick feeling in my stomach every time I hear it. It’s not that it’s overplayed and popular. I love pop music. It’s that it sucks. This version is somehow worse than the original. The only voice you really hear the entire time is the lead (adult) female singer, so all it really sounds like is a really bad cover of an already terrible song.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Instead of the lyrics “My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest,” the words “beating chest” are put in. I guess that’s good, considering a female is singing it. It does get better. Instead of “like a virgin, you’re Madonna,” the words “like a pop star, you’re Madonna” is sung instead. Madge is not amused.
7. Float On – Modest Mouse (Kidz Bop 7)
Why It’s Bad: The lead singer has a hard time finding his voice. Half the time, he sounds like a karaoke version of Billy Joel. The other half of the song sounds reminiscent of the lead singer of the Arcade Fire. It’s a really weird and upsetting mix. The reverb-laden twang guitar, a signature sound of Modest Mouse, is sanitized and poured over with saccharine-sweet melodies that only vaguely resemble the original. It kinda sounds like somebody butchering your favorite song at Guitar Center. It’s a shame. I really like this song. The Lonesome Crowded West is still one of the best albums put out in the late 1990s. The next Kidz Bop should have “Cowboy Dan” in it.
Most Upsetting Aspect: None of the lyrics are really changed in the song. That’s good, I guess. They did add a few signature “YEAH’s!” into the mix. Maybe I am more upset that nothing was changed. It is kind of funny to hear a chorus of kids sing “Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.”
6. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake (Kidz Bop 4)
Why It’s Bad: So bad. I really love this song. Thanks for ruining J.T.’s best track, Kidz Bop. This is one of the few instances where the kids make up for the truly crap job the lead singer did. I can imagine a struggling bar musician calling up his friends about a “big gig” lined up in LA. That gig was probably in an hourly rental studio space shared with a Chinese restaurant in Ohio somewhere where they recorded this human garbage. Each recorded track comes with one from Column A and one from Column B. The dude singing is really trying to channel Michael Jackson and failing. Ironic. Too soon?
Most Upsetting Aspect: The background beat-boxing is precious. I don’t know, it’s just really bad. The subject matter is bad for kids. The vocal stylings of the main singer make it unlistenable. The kids almost sound cute singing. This is not a cute song. 0/10.
5. Fly – Sugar Ray (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: The first two Kidz Bop records were really bad. Maybe that’s because I can clearly remember most of the tracks on there. I originally had Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” in this spot, but decided to include Sugar Ray’s seminal track “Fly” instead. Why? You will have to listen for yourself.
Most Upsetting Aspect: The lead male singer is truly upsetting. More upsetting than the song itself. More upsetting than Mark McGrath’s obvious plastic surgery. He sounds like Raffi got drunk and stumbled into a Golden Corral that also does karaoke. You can almost taste the bourbon street chicken and chocolate wonderfall when you listen to this. RIP adolescence…..RIP.
4. Higher – Creed (Kidz Bop 2)
Why It’s Bad: Do you remember when the lead singer of this band made news last year about how he was dead broke and living in his car? The gas for that vehicle is paid for with the royalties from this song. I think the guy that sang Fly sang this song, too.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Everything. This one is too easy. If you haven’t watched “Creed Shreds,” do it. That still sounds better than this. The solo towards the end of the song is embarrassing. I am really bad at guitar, but I think I could have done better on the first take. I feel bad for the kids that had to sing on this song. When the chorus comes in, the kids sound completely bored. I can imagine a few of them yawning in the recording studio. A few of them probably thought, “I could be playing my Nintendo Gamecube right now.” Let’s not go there, Scott.
3. Alejandro – Lady Gaga (Kidz Bop 18)
Why It’s Bad: As far as production and talent, this is one of the better ones on the list. I’m not the biggest fan of Lady Gaga, but she does have a few catchy songs. I did like the first version of this song, Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita.” That’s right, I said it. So, this version is a copy of a copy. It’s a decent song that has no place in a kids album.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Lyrics like “babe” and “hot like Mexico” are changed to “girl” and “just like Mexico.” Naturally, when the words “but her boyfriend’s like her dad” comes up, they have to change it. I would certainly hope so. Who produced this track, Chris Hansen? Every CD purchase comes with cookies and lemonade.
2. Lips of An Angel – Hinder (Kidz Bop 11)
Why It’s Bad: This is my least favorite song on this list. Hands down. To have kids subjected to singing this is wrong. It is hilarious though that you can hear how into it the lead adult singer is. The song is just straight up inappropriate.
Most Upsetting Aspect: When the kids provide the backup vocals to the lyrics “Well my girl’s in the next room/Sometimes I wish she was you.” I hear that and am already starting the water for the shower. Ugh.
1. Livin’ La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: I don’t care what you say, this song is crazy catchy. The music video was pretty dope, too. But when you get kids singing it word for word the entire song, it crosses the realm of inappropriate and into the absurd. The kids yell and scream in the background throughout the song. I think that will haunt my dreams for a few years.
Most Upsetting Aspect: This is an extremely sexual song and NONE of the lyrics were changed. Maybe they didn’t care as much when they first put these out. But damn, kids talking about taking their clothes off and drinking champagne? Bad form. I just hope that these kids, who are probably now graduating from college or in the work force, are not scarred from this. No bullets to the brain, please.
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