If you know me, you know that I love the subtle (and not so subtle) art of making comparisons out of anything. Metaphor can be a powerful tool in your work place and social life. It is both charming and annoying at the same time because it makes you seem smarter than you actually are. I’m not very smart.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning and found a story shared via Buzzfeed by one of my friends. Same old stuff I have seen a thousand times. I still clicked and read it. Turns out there are more facts about the film Scream that I cared to know. Did you know they only used 50 gallons of blood for the ENTIRE MOVIE? I also saw an advertisement for Red Robin directly below the Buzzfeed link. This makes almost no sense, as there are only a handful of these diarrhea-greasy restaurants in the Washington, D.C. metro area where I live. Then again, who am I to question Based Zuckerberg.

I know Facebook includes advertisements on your Internet search history and what you have post about. Thank god I don’t my feed isn’t about farting and dogs…because that’s about me in a nutshell. On second glance, it all started to make sense. Why not give them what they want? Why not beat them at their own game and make myself feel smarter than I actually am (which is really not at all). In the spirit of that heir of superficial superiority, I thought long and hard about the food and Internet connection while I was performing my morning constitution. I wrote down what I felt would be the restaurant chain equivalent to today’s most popular viral news websites.

Buzzfeed

Restaurant: McDonald’s
Why: Buzzfeed is that guilty pleasure that you love to diss in public amongst mixed company. In reality, you crave it daily even though you know it’s terrible for you. The ingredients to their burgers, not unlike their stories, are pretty bland and uncharacteristic. Both are well promoted and revered by most Americans. Yet you keep coming back because it’s the same. Every bite or click is like Norm walking back into Cheers. You can go on Buzzfeed any day of the week since it began back in 2006 and see the same clickbait crap you have always seen. The same goes with the McDouble. I consume both, sometimes at the same time. It’s good enough for a quick fix or a pig out session. Most Buzzfeed and McDonald’s gorging happen at night when you are in bed. Eat your super sized meal with a towel over your face so God can’t see your shame.

College Humor

Restaurant: Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Why: You are there to have a good time. No cares – just fun. Are the articles and videos on College Humor entertaining? Of course they are. Are they meaningful? Hell no. They have been there since your college days and have always been a standard by which you view other similar videos on the Interwebs. The same goes with Five Guys. Beware of eating/viewing too much, however. They may give you a heart attack in due time. Both leave you feeling like you can’t go back and consume their product for several weeks. In reality, you will visit the next day because you are an animal. But hey, that grocery bag filled with French fries isn’t going to eat itself. To this day, the G.I. Joe videos are the gold standard by which I base all Internet humor. You can say the same for the Five Guys hamburger.

Huffington Post

Restaurant: Ruby Tuesday’s
Why: There came a time when both were at the top of their game in the late 1990s and early 2000s. George Bush’s tenure in office signaled the boom for two businesses: The Huffington Post and Ruby Tuesday’s. In fact, I can remember eating at a Ruby Tuesdays in Virginia Beach on the night of the 2000 election. I got some chicken fingers and a side of hanging chad. The strips were simulaneously tasty, predictable, and comforting. News works that way sometimes. You could eat at a Ruby Tuesdays or read a Huffpo article and feel a sense of relative good will and cheer. In the days before viral news and social networking, both had their place in society as the go-to for what we all wanted – affordable food and accountable news. Celebrity-authored articles and vaguely gourmet steaks marked the year in our lord 2002. Those were the salad days (pun intended).

And then things changed. Society is a bitch.

You can change the menu and décor all you want, Ruby Tuesday. You fool no one. There is a good side and bad side to both businesses. Huffpo used to be a resource for individuals to read truly meaningful articles about the socio-political happenings around the world. Ruby Tuesday’s was a place where I could eat a fairly decent burger and fries without feeling overwhelming culpability. Now? Both have morphed into an amalgamation of everything we have come to love and hate in society today. Burger sliders and clickbait. Endless salad bar and viral videos. You come to it like a sinner at confession because it’s a safe place where no one will judge you for your actions…or your 2,500-calorie turkey burger. That salad bar, though. Pile on the vegetables and drench it in ranch because that makes it almost healthy, right?

The Washington Post

Restaurant: La Tasca
Why: It’s good enough to satisfy most cravings, but still leaves you wanting more. There is legitimacy to it that makes you feel secure enough to dive in headfirst, but not enough to give you a complete sense of superiority. Since this is about chain restaurants, the one tapas chain where I live in DC is La Tasca. Menu choices are many but all somehow related. Why do all tapas places want to serve me food with chopsticks? You can go to both and be either a citizen of the world and a giant dbag. You choose.

Both can be hip and trendy at times. It’s also where you’ll find the intelligencia spouting their beliefs in an open forum. Don’t want to hear it? Too freaking bad. Sit and listen to the bearded hipster next to you talk about some obscure graphic novel while you wolf down a tiny shrimp and herb crustini at twelve bucks a pop. It’s good enough for a quick fix, but not enough to leave your tummy satisfied. You’ll most likely end up finding yourself at McDonald’s (Buzzfeed) by the end of the night.

The Wall Street Journal

Restaurant: Chick Fil A
Why: The subtle conservative Christian undertone says it all. Finance AND gun control? Don’t read it if you are homosexual…or at least open minded one with a conceal and carry license. You probably share WSJ posts on your Facebook feed as a source of legitimacy to your own vaguely neo-Conservative thinking. Is Obama killing this country’s financial sector? Like Chick Fil A, if you share a Wall Street Journal post on Sunday, you will find the interaction to be unfulfilling and empty. Much like your heartless soul. Get a haircut, you heathen. No guns in DC? No Chick Fil A in DC. Coincidence?

The Blaze

Restaurant: The behind-the-store garbage bin at your local 7-11
Why:   You’re going to get the same stuff you see on the Internet’s news sites, but in a slightly watered down and condensed/narrow way. You have your views on abortion? Nope. It’s my way or the highway. Are you in a mood for something quick to snack on during a road trip? I guess these hot dog flavored chips will have to do. Shit. Wash it down with a 87 ounce Big Gulp because YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY AND TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG AND RUINING THIS COUNTRY. Everything comes with a label, and that label is clearly marked on each packaging. You might crave those Haribo Gummy Cola bottles, but you will only be left with a sad imitation of the truth. Can you tell I am not Conservative yet? If that upsets you, make sure to wallow your sadness in some stale nachos with expired cheese and yellowing jalapeno peppers. Delicious.

P.S. Matt Walsh is the worst person alive. I don’t care if you are conservative or not. The guy is a bag of cats thrown into the ocean. I bet he buys a full pizza at 7-11 and argues over the cost with the employee, who he probably says is freeloading of honest and good-natured Americans like himself.

BBC News

Restaurant: Panera Bread Company
Why: At face level, it all seems sophisticated. BBC News reporters are British after all. It’s like Panera in that its surroundings are comforting, almost homey. Look at the damn logo – it’s a woman caressing bread. Just like my childhood. You know you can get the news better from another site, but find yourself wanting to go there. A solid location for a second or third date, Panera allows you to spend a little time soaking up the atmosphere while you desperately cling to the hopes of some under the shirt action later. Come on, that soup and sandwich combo you paid for was like twelve bucks. Just kidding. Like BBC News, Panera has the notion of effort without actually expending any. A Facebook share of a BBC News article screams, “I am the informed.” It is truly the fresh strawberry summer salad of news.

Fox News

Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza
Why: It all seems innocent and cheap when you first get in there. You’re half right. You are even greeted warmly by a worker behind the counter. After you’ve paid your money and settle into your first plate on the buffet line, you see what really lies beneath: mac and cheese pizza with a clear sheen of grease and sadness. It’s not that Fox is bad news. It’s the way it is presented – a high calorie substitute to something we have all come to love. In this case, it’s America. The difference between America and ‘Merica is quality pizza pie. Do yourself a favor and head to a local pizza joint for a slice. It might cost you more money, but you will feel a hell of a lot better in the long run. Welcome to CiCi’s? Welcome to hell. Have a slice or seventeen of pizza marinated in children’s tears and shut up.

Answers

Restaurant: Golden Corral
Why: So many choices. Who are the celebrities that look fatter today than they did back in the 90s? Puzzler. There is an entire buffet line for you to click and swipe through. The end result? A lot of Pedialyte and regret. You will probably go to a Golden Corral or visit an Answers list every once in a while to keep your life in check. If you’re living a particularly good life, make sure to stop in to let take yourself down a peg or two. It’s only your dignity right? Like the Corral, you don’t want anyone to know that you are there on Answers. It’s a great refuge for long dumps in the bathroom or boredom-induced comas at the doctor’s office. It’s there when you need it like a best friend who has remained in your friend zone for fifteen years. Don’t play just the tip with Golden Corral or your best friend. Go big or go home. Get the chocolate wonderfall and dip your entire goddamn hand in there because you want to feel something. We are (we are) the youth of the nation.

Facebook

Restaurant: Taco Bell
Why: This one is too easy to devote time to explain. You love it and hate it, and it’s always there to spew out the same old shit you love and hate. If you are crying while you devour a 12-taco Party Pack solo, you are doing it right.

HAPPY EATING AND WEB SURFING!