Category: beer

This morning, I posted a status update on Facebook that has gotten a lot of interesting comments/support/criticism. Here it is:

I’m not here to piss on your flowers. For me, cheap beer that tastes pretty one note is the kind that I like. This is not at all sparked by the Budweiser Superbowl commercial, either. I think I was peeing when that one aired. Like all things with religious fervor, the backlash for disliking a certain type of beer is damnation.

When I thought more and more about it as the morning progressed, I had a realization: people who try to sway you into liking certain craft brews is a lot like somebody coming to your door and witnessing to you. I’ll do a side by side comparison so you can see the striking similarities.

The Introduction:

EVANGELIST: Good Morning, Sir. My name is Joe Smith.

CRAFT BEER BRO: What’s up, man. Do you like my new infinity scarf?

The Question: 

EVANGELIST: May I talk to you a moment about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?
CRAFT BEER BRO: Yo, bro. I see you’re drinking a Miller Lite? Come on, man. Are you serious? You are grown. GROWN. Let me tell you about all the awesome beer this bar has, man. I want to force feed it down your throat like your some Iron-Jawed Angel.

The Defense:

YOU: It’s cool. I’m Baptist.
EVANGELIST: I see that. Thank you for accepting the Lord Jesus Christ. But, may I spend a few moments talking to you about the true path and Mormon faith? There are so many wonderful things I need to tell you.

YOU: I mean, it’s cool man. I just like beer to taste like beer. Nothing fancy.
CRAFT BEER BRO: How can you say that? I thought I knew you better. There are so many wonderful beers out there. They totally don’t taste like shower water mixed with Splenda.

Failing at Diversion:

YOU: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to join your faith.
EVANGELIST: I understand. It’s just…I see you are a good person and want to see you saved in the Mormon faith.

YOU: Why can’t you just let me enjoy it? I’m sorry. I don’t want to spend 8 dollars on some sour shit I don’t care to pretend to like.
CRAFT BEER BRO: Look, I like you. I just…I just want you to enjoy GOOD beer. Come on, try a sip of my O’Connor’s honey lemon cow flop porter. It’s local. It’s good!

Attempting to End Convo/Firing Back:

YOU: I am not interested. You are sounding a little too pushy right now.
EVANGELIST: I am sorry to hear that. I need to give you some literature, but I can’t seem to find a fresh copy of The Watchtower.

YOU: I am not interested. You are sounding like a real hipster right now.
CRAFT BEER BRO: I’m not a hipster. Do you see me drinking PBR? Don’t label me. Be right back – I have to go see if my vaporizer is with my fixed gear bike. I need to give you a fresh copy of Alt Daily.

Ending the Conversation:

YOU: You can probably find it with your poor life choices.
EVANGELIST: Burn in hell.

YOU: You can probably find it with your poor life choices.
CRAFT BEER BRO: Go to hell.

Fin.

See? It’s that simple. Don’t worry about craft beer bro. There are plenty more people to convert during his mission. It’s not three years. Let’s just hope that he works it out in his twenties.

My advice: put a “No Solicitors” sign on your head next time you head to the bar.