There is a new project that I have started, that I will surely incorporate on here: Tape Me Songs.
It’s a pretty simple premise. Every mix you’ve ever made or made for someone has a story. They are analog and digital capsules of our collective memory. Tell us yours.
I’m submitting my mixes. You should too. Eventually, I want to start a swap for mixes, etc.
Part of the Seven Deadly Sins Short Story Series. What is it?
This is the story of Cliff and Sarah.
The story format is Instructable.
Part I
Hello instructable users! Are you in a stable relationship and are looking to royally fuck it up? Are you tired of people giving you “life hacks,” when they themselves can’t seem to put a pair of pants on alone?
Then look no further. Thanks to my asshole husband (soon to be ex-husband), I have a step by step process of how to ruin your relationship together. I’ll show you how somebody can go from an ambitious and upstart “man-of-the-century” to fat, alcoholic, degenerate who can’t pay his phone bell. For the sake of protecting his name for the next round of our lawyers and child custody, I will call my husband “Cliff.” Why? Because that’s what he fucking fell off of over the last six months.
My name is Sarah. This is my life instructable.
Materials:
The first step is the most important of all! It might seem obvious, but I want to be as thorough as possible for this instructable. I think those are the ones that get the most votes, after all.
Anyways, it’s important for this process to find somebody and fall in love with them. You don’t necessarily have to get married to them, but it surely helps. That is what Cliff and I did a mere eight months after meeting each other in a coffee shop. More on that later. I thought we married for love. I never thought it was for “convenience.” That should have been my first warning sign. Unfortunately, that is an entirely different instructable.
As a side note to this first step, I want to tell you: Don’t have a favorite song. Just don’t. Don’t listen to it. Don’t dance to one at your wedding ceremony. It’s the first thing you’ll do as a married couple, but the last thing you will want to remember. Once it’s over, you will end up hearing it in your car in the days and months ahead (see the final step if you want to spoil it.) For your sake and your sanity, don’t have a favorite song. Our song was “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys. Fucker.
Okay. So you have a new man or lady in your life. Things are going great. Every kiss was new. Every fuck was a new feeling and sensation you knew couldn’t get any better. You were right.
The honeymoon period has a way of putting a haze over your eyes to the realities of the situation at hand. Everything was going smoothly in our new marriage. At the time, Cliff was a hedge fund manager at a big fancy company in Washington, D.C. I was just a barista who handed him his venti latte every morning at 7:30am sharp. Every morning. Remember that.
Once we got married, I had the option to “take a break” and finish school. His salary allowed us to find a new place in the city. It was my dream home. I was literally living the dream. For a failed grad student working at a Starbucks, I felt like I was married to Prince Charming. He swept me off my feet in that first year. I had time to pursue cooking, go to school, and be there when Cliff got home from work. Part of me felt like a 1950s housewife, which I secretly resented.
If you really want to screw things up, why not add a baby to the mix?
As a result of the fairytale, I got lazy about birth control and got pregnant when I didn’t want to. I was too busy being a homemaker and student, I guess. We were married and very happy on the surface, so we decided to stick with it. We converted my “study” to a nursery. Thankfully, the home we bought was big enough to incorporate our baby with room to spare.
To make a long step short, we had the baby. We will call her Jane for the sake of her privacy. It was only after the baby that everything really happened. Everything fell to shit. That’s when the drinking started. That was the beginning of the end. The fairy tale was over before it even began.
To be continued…
1. I am never interested in inspirational quotes posted on Facebook. I am VERY interested in what obscure radio station or hack motivational speaker it came from. Seriously. You live in Virginia and you are sharing poorly worded quotes about how you wished it was Friday from a radio station in Tulsa, Oklahoma. How does this bullshit spread? Pandemics have nothing on shitty inspirational quotes.
No. Fuck you.
2. I have a profound distrust of anyone who would openly admit to disliking Phil Collins. You sir/madam are a liar.
3. The greatest beverage on the planet is a cold can of Coke. I would also distrust anyone who prefers to drink soda out of the 20oz plastic bottles.
4. I think superhero movies are boring and predictable. They have moved beyond cliche and that makes me very sad. Superhero movies are the 3-D movies of the 90s, which are all inferior to the 3-D movies of the 1980s, namely Epcot’s “Captain Eo.”
5. Whenever somebody pressures me to watch something, it’s an almost guarantee I will not watch it. This is why I have yet to see Avatar, True Detective, or Game of Thrones.
I’m too lazy to type this out because I am nowhere near a computer.
If you know me, you know that I love the subtle (and not so subtle) art of making comparisons out of anything. Metaphor can be a powerful tool in your work place and social life. It is both charming and annoying at the same time because it makes you seem smarter than you actually are. I’m not very smart.
I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning and found a story shared via Buzzfeed by one of my friends. Same old stuff I have seen a thousand times. I still clicked and read it. Turns out there are more facts about the film Scream that I cared to know. Did you know they only used 50 gallons of blood for the ENTIRE MOVIE? I also saw an advertisement for Red Robin directly below the Buzzfeed link. This makes almost no sense, as there are only a handful of these diarrhea-greasy restaurants in the Washington, D.C. metro area where I live. Then again, who am I to question Based Zuckerberg.
I know Facebook includes advertisements on your Internet search history and what you have post about. Thank god I don’t my feed isn’t about farting and dogs…because that’s about me in a nutshell. On second glance, it all started to make sense. Why not give them what they want? Why not beat them at their own game and make myself feel smarter than I actually am (which is really not at all). In the spirit of that heir of superficial superiority, I thought long and hard about the food and Internet connection while I was performing my morning constitution. I wrote down what I felt would be the restaurant chain equivalent to today’s most popular viral news websites.
Restaurant: McDonald’s
Why: Buzzfeed is that guilty pleasure that you love to diss in public amongst mixed company. In reality, you crave it daily even though you know it’s terrible for you. The ingredients to their burgers, not unlike their stories, are pretty bland and uncharacteristic. Both are well promoted and revered by most Americans. Yet you keep coming back because it’s the same. Every bite or click is like Norm walking back into Cheers. You can go on Buzzfeed any day of the week since it began back in 2006 and see the same clickbait crap you have always seen. The same goes with the McDouble. I consume both, sometimes at the same time. It’s good enough for a quick fix or a pig out session. Most Buzzfeed and McDonald’s gorging happen at night when you are in bed. Eat your super sized meal with a towel over your face so God can’t see your shame.
Restaurant: Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Why: You are there to have a good time. No cares – just fun. Are the articles and videos on College Humor entertaining? Of course they are. Are they meaningful? Hell no. They have been there since your college days and have always been a standard by which you view other similar videos on the Interwebs. The same goes with Five Guys. Beware of eating/viewing too much, however. They may give you a heart attack in due time. Both leave you feeling like you can’t go back and consume their product for several weeks. In reality, you will visit the next day because you are an animal. But hey, that grocery bag filled with French fries isn’t going to eat itself. To this day, the G.I. Joe videos are the gold standard by which I base all Internet humor. You can say the same for the Five Guys hamburger.
Restaurant: Ruby Tuesday’s
Why: There came a time when both were at the top of their game in the late 1990s and early 2000s. George Bush’s tenure in office signaled the boom for two businesses: The Huffington Post and Ruby Tuesday’s. In fact, I can remember eating at a Ruby Tuesdays in Virginia Beach on the night of the 2000 election. I got some chicken fingers and a side of hanging chad. The strips were simulaneously tasty, predictable, and comforting. News works that way sometimes. You could eat at a Ruby Tuesdays or read a Huffpo article and feel a sense of relative good will and cheer. In the days before viral news and social networking, both had their place in society as the go-to for what we all wanted – affordable food and accountable news. Celebrity-authored articles and vaguely gourmet steaks marked the year in our lord 2002. Those were the salad days (pun intended).
And then things changed. Society is a bitch.
You can change the menu and décor all you want, Ruby Tuesday. You fool no one. There is a good side and bad side to both businesses. Huffpo used to be a resource for individuals to read truly meaningful articles about the socio-political happenings around the world. Ruby Tuesday’s was a place where I could eat a fairly decent burger and fries without feeling overwhelming culpability. Now? Both have morphed into an amalgamation of everything we have come to love and hate in society today. Burger sliders and clickbait. Endless salad bar and viral videos. You come to it like a sinner at confession because it’s a safe place where no one will judge you for your actions…or your 2,500-calorie turkey burger. That salad bar, though. Pile on the vegetables and drench it in ranch because that makes it almost healthy, right?
Restaurant: La Tasca
Why: It’s good enough to satisfy most cravings, but still leaves you wanting more. There is legitimacy to it that makes you feel secure enough to dive in headfirst, but not enough to give you a complete sense of superiority. Since this is about chain restaurants, the one tapas chain where I live in DC is La Tasca. Menu choices are many but all somehow related. Why do all tapas places want to serve me food with chopsticks? You can go to both and be either a citizen of the world and a giant dbag. You choose.
Both can be hip and trendy at times. It’s also where you’ll find the intelligencia spouting their beliefs in an open forum. Don’t want to hear it? Too freaking bad. Sit and listen to the bearded hipster next to you talk about some obscure graphic novel while you wolf down a tiny shrimp and herb crustini at twelve bucks a pop. It’s good enough for a quick fix, but not enough to leave your tummy satisfied. You’ll most likely end up finding yourself at McDonald’s (Buzzfeed) by the end of the night.
Restaurant: Chick Fil A
Why: The subtle conservative Christian undertone says it all. Finance AND gun control? Don’t read it if you are homosexual…or at least open minded one with a conceal and carry license. You probably share WSJ posts on your Facebook feed as a source of legitimacy to your own vaguely neo-Conservative thinking. Is Obama killing this country’s financial sector? Like Chick Fil A, if you share a Wall Street Journal post on Sunday, you will find the interaction to be unfulfilling and empty. Much like your heartless soul. Get a haircut, you heathen. No guns in DC? No Chick Fil A in DC. Coincidence?
Restaurant: The behind-the-store garbage bin at your local 7-11
Why: You’re going to get the same stuff you see on the Internet’s news sites, but in a slightly watered down and condensed/narrow way. You have your views on abortion? Nope. It’s my way or the highway. Are you in a mood for something quick to snack on during a road trip? I guess these hot dog flavored chips will have to do. Shit. Wash it down with a 87 ounce Big Gulp because YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY AND TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG AND RUINING THIS COUNTRY. Everything comes with a label, and that label is clearly marked on each packaging. You might crave those Haribo Gummy Cola bottles, but you will only be left with a sad imitation of the truth. Can you tell I am not Conservative yet? If that upsets you, make sure to wallow your sadness in some stale nachos with expired cheese and yellowing jalapeno peppers. Delicious.
P.S. Matt Walsh is the worst person alive. I don’t care if you are conservative or not. The guy is a bag of cats thrown into the ocean. I bet he buys a full pizza at 7-11 and argues over the cost with the employee, who he probably says is freeloading of honest and good-natured Americans like himself.
Restaurant: Panera Bread Company
Why: At face level, it all seems sophisticated. BBC News reporters are British after all. It’s like Panera in that its surroundings are comforting, almost homey. Look at the damn logo – it’s a woman caressing bread. Just like my childhood. You know you can get the news better from another site, but find yourself wanting to go there. A solid location for a second or third date, Panera allows you to spend a little time soaking up the atmosphere while you desperately cling to the hopes of some under the shirt action later. Come on, that soup and sandwich combo you paid for was like twelve bucks. Just kidding. Like BBC News, Panera has the notion of effort without actually expending any. A Facebook share of a BBC News article screams, “I am the informed.” It is truly the fresh strawberry summer salad of news.
Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza
Why: It all seems innocent and cheap when you first get in there. You’re half right. You are even greeted warmly by a worker behind the counter. After you’ve paid your money and settle into your first plate on the buffet line, you see what really lies beneath: mac and cheese pizza with a clear sheen of grease and sadness. It’s not that Fox is bad news. It’s the way it is presented – a high calorie substitute to something we have all come to love. In this case, it’s America. The difference between America and ‘Merica is quality pizza pie. Do yourself a favor and head to a local pizza joint for a slice. It might cost you more money, but you will feel a hell of a lot better in the long run. Welcome to CiCi’s? Welcome to hell. Have a slice or seventeen of pizza marinated in children’s tears and shut up.
Restaurant: Golden Corral
Why: So many choices. Who are the celebrities that look fatter today than they did back in the 90s? Puzzler. There is an entire buffet line for you to click and swipe through. The end result? A lot of Pedialyte and regret. You will probably go to a Golden Corral or visit an Answers list every once in a while to keep your life in check. If you’re living a particularly good life, make sure to stop in to let take yourself down a peg or two. It’s only your dignity right? Like the Corral, you don’t want anyone to know that you are there on Answers. It’s a great refuge for long dumps in the bathroom or boredom-induced comas at the doctor’s office. It’s there when you need it like a best friend who has remained in your friend zone for fifteen years. Don’t play just the tip with Golden Corral or your best friend. Go big or go home. Get the chocolate wonderfall and dip your entire goddamn hand in there because you want to feel something. We are (we are) the youth of the nation.
Restaurant: Taco Bell
Why: This one is too easy to devote time to explain. You love it and hate it, and it’s always there to spew out the same old shit you love and hate. If you are crying while you devour a 12-taco Party Pack solo, you are doing it right.
HAPPY EATING AND WEB SURFING!
I love music. I love listening to it and collecting it. The best bar conversations are arguments over music, hands down. When it comes to music, I generally prefer the original song compared to a cover. There are some exceptions, such as Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” (Leonard Cohen), Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails), and The White Stripes’s “Jolene” (Dolly Parton). In these specific cases, the cover vastly outweighs the greatness of the original. Purists be damned.
Let me preface this post – I am not a music elitist, despite what many of my friends say. That being said, certain covers of music are just…bad. They move beyond simply poorly executed music and move into the realm of audio-holocaust. No music anthology is more responsible for this than Kidz Bop. In case you don’t know, Kidz Bop music compilations takes the most popular music of the day (What you would mostly see on a NOW compilation) and record kid-friendly versions of these songs. In order to make the songs appropriate for children, many of the lyrics and changed AND SUNG by a chorus of kids. That’s right, each track is a sing a long. I can only imagine a “cool guy” youth pastor trying to pass these songs off at a church social function.
Here is my list of the top 10 most upsetting Kidz Bop songs. I based my choices on each track having at least one of the three following criteria:
Without further ado – my top 10. They are most certainly in order.
10. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand (Kidz Bop 8)
Why It’s Bad: This is a great example of a terrible version of an otherwise good song. I was never the biggest fan of Franz Ferdinand. To be completely honest, they were my least favorite of the early 2000s garage rock explosion. The track feels hastily put together; more so than any normal Kidz Bop track. The chorus of kids shouting in the background sounds confused and rushed, like an updated chorus to Another Brick in the Wall, but way shittier.
Most Upsetting Aspect: For sure, the most upsetting aspect of the song is hearing the kids sing “I want you…to take me out.” Something is not right about that. I am listening to it in reverse so I can hear “free candy and ice cream” in the background.
9. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: I was actually surprised this song made it on the list. The lead singer and kid chorus rarely match up in vocal range. Somebody is flat the entire time, even with the heavily-used autotune. The synthesizer sounds like Windows ’95 MIDI.
Most Upsetting Aspect: I find myself asking the need for the song in the first place. Kids won’t associate with this song at all. It’s something, as grownups, we kinda smile and laugh at now. All I can hear is a bunch of kids singing “die” over and over again. You know why I am blue? A bunch of creepy kids are telling me to go die: da ba dee da ba DIE.
8. Hey Soul Sister – Train (Kidz Bop 18)
Why It’s Bad: As far as overplayed pop songs, it was a toss-up between this and Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I chose this one because I actually enjoy the Gotye song, whereas this song gives me a sick feeling in my stomach every time I hear it. It’s not that it’s overplayed and popular. I love pop music. It’s that it sucks. This version is somehow worse than the original. The only voice you really hear the entire time is the lead (adult) female singer, so all it really sounds like is a really bad cover of an already terrible song.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Instead of the lyrics “My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest,” the words “beating chest” are put in. I guess that’s good, considering a female is singing it. It does get better. Instead of “like a virgin, you’re Madonna,” the words “like a pop star, you’re Madonna” is sung instead. Madge is not amused.
7. Float On – Modest Mouse (Kidz Bop 7)
Why It’s Bad: The lead singer has a hard time finding his voice. Half the time, he sounds like a karaoke version of Billy Joel. The other half of the song sounds reminiscent of the lead singer of the Arcade Fire. It’s a really weird and upsetting mix. The reverb-laden twang guitar, a signature sound of Modest Mouse, is sanitized and poured over with saccharine-sweet melodies that only vaguely resemble the original. It kinda sounds like somebody butchering your favorite song at Guitar Center. It’s a shame. I really like this song. The Lonesome Crowded West is still one of the best albums put out in the late 1990s. The next Kidz Bop should have “Cowboy Dan” in it.
Most Upsetting Aspect: None of the lyrics are really changed in the song. That’s good, I guess. They did add a few signature “YEAH’s!” into the mix. Maybe I am more upset that nothing was changed. It is kind of funny to hear a chorus of kids sing “Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.”
6. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake (Kidz Bop 4)
Why It’s Bad: So bad. I really love this song. Thanks for ruining J.T.’s best track, Kidz Bop. This is one of the few instances where the kids make up for the truly crap job the lead singer did. I can imagine a struggling bar musician calling up his friends about a “big gig” lined up in LA. That gig was probably in an hourly rental studio space shared with a Chinese restaurant in Ohio somewhere where they recorded this human garbage. Each recorded track comes with one from Column A and one from Column B. The dude singing is really trying to channel Michael Jackson and failing. Ironic. Too soon?
Most Upsetting Aspect: The background beat-boxing is precious. I don’t know, it’s just really bad. The subject matter is bad for kids. The vocal stylings of the main singer make it unlistenable. The kids almost sound cute singing. This is not a cute song. 0/10.
5. Fly – Sugar Ray (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: The first two Kidz Bop records were really bad. Maybe that’s because I can clearly remember most of the tracks on there. I originally had Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” in this spot, but decided to include Sugar Ray’s seminal track “Fly” instead. Why? You will have to listen for yourself.
Most Upsetting Aspect: The lead male singer is truly upsetting. More upsetting than the song itself. More upsetting than Mark McGrath’s obvious plastic surgery. He sounds like Raffi got drunk and stumbled into a Golden Corral that also does karaoke. You can almost taste the bourbon street chicken and chocolate wonderfall when you listen to this. RIP adolescence…..RIP.
4. Higher – Creed (Kidz Bop 2)
Why It’s Bad: Do you remember when the lead singer of this band made news last year about how he was dead broke and living in his car? The gas for that vehicle is paid for with the royalties from this song. I think the guy that sang Fly sang this song, too.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Everything. This one is too easy. If you haven’t watched “Creed Shreds,” do it. That still sounds better than this. The solo towards the end of the song is embarrassing. I am really bad at guitar, but I think I could have done better on the first take. I feel bad for the kids that had to sing on this song. When the chorus comes in, the kids sound completely bored. I can imagine a few of them yawning in the recording studio. A few of them probably thought, “I could be playing my Nintendo Gamecube right now.” Let’s not go there, Scott.
3. Alejandro – Lady Gaga (Kidz Bop 18)
Why It’s Bad: As far as production and talent, this is one of the better ones on the list. I’m not the biggest fan of Lady Gaga, but she does have a few catchy songs. I did like the first version of this song, Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita.” That’s right, I said it. So, this version is a copy of a copy. It’s a decent song that has no place in a kids album.
Most Upsetting Aspect: Lyrics like “babe” and “hot like Mexico” are changed to “girl” and “just like Mexico.” Naturally, when the words “but her boyfriend’s like her dad” comes up, they have to change it. I would certainly hope so. Who produced this track, Chris Hansen? Every CD purchase comes with cookies and lemonade.
2. Lips of An Angel – Hinder (Kidz Bop 11)
Why It’s Bad: This is my least favorite song on this list. Hands down. To have kids subjected to singing this is wrong. It is hilarious though that you can hear how into it the lead adult singer is. The song is just straight up inappropriate.
Most Upsetting Aspect: When the kids provide the backup vocals to the lyrics “Well my girl’s in the next room/Sometimes I wish she was you.” I hear that and am already starting the water for the shower. Ugh.
1. Livin’ La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin (Kidz Bop 1)
Why It’s Bad: I don’t care what you say, this song is crazy catchy. The music video was pretty dope, too. But when you get kids singing it word for word the entire song, it crosses the realm of inappropriate and into the absurd. The kids yell and scream in the background throughout the song. I think that will haunt my dreams for a few years.
Most Upsetting Aspect: This is an extremely sexual song and NONE of the lyrics were changed. Maybe they didn’t care as much when they first put these out. But damn, kids talking about taking their clothes off and drinking champagne? Bad form. I just hope that these kids, who are probably now graduating from college or in the work force, are not scarred from this. No bullets to the brain, please.
As a student of the interwebs, I come across a lot of lists. There is no denying the “listmania” revolution is upon us. Do I really want to know ten different things everybody my age can identify with? No. Do I click on it anyway? Yes. Stupid internet.
If you are still reading this now, I hope I have caught you in this web. I wanted to come up with a list that is deeply personal to me as a (man) at the dawn of his thirtieth decade. In honor of national underwear day today, I came up with a list of 5 things I ALWAYS need, yet somehow avoid buying all the time.
1. A Sun Visor for my Car
I work at the Washington Navy Yard in Washington, DC. Unlike most people who work in DC, I have the option of free parking. Such luxury, however, comes at a price. I get up at 4:35am and drive into the yard to get to work at 5:45am. It’s beyond early. A friend of mine who works at the yard calls it “coming in with the vampires.” Anyways, its early. Driving to work has been a genuine pleasure. Although I get to work at the ass-crack of dawn, I have the option to leave in the early afternoon on my own time. Leaving this summer, however, has been more than a bitch. It’s been hot. I park my car in a small lot near the river’s edge in central yard. Needless to say, there is no shade for any of the vehicles there. By the time I get to my car at 2:30, it feels like an oven. It doesn’t help that 2:30 is usually the peak time for temperature. No amount of AC blasting will get it cool. By the time I get the car cool, I am back home in Alexandria. I have resorted to just rolling the windows down all the way home. Ironically, it’s actually cooler than trying to cool down the inside of a car that reaches over a hundred degrees on average each summer day. It’s not so bad, though; I get to smell the sweet air of DC Water everyday.
I park next to the same car every day. It’s a silver Mazda with a sun visor. I am half tempted to break into the car to see just how cool it feels at the end of the day. As much as I bitch and moan about how hot it is, I have yet to purchase a sun visor. I keep telling myself I don’t know where to find one.
I can’t wait until summer is over.
2. A Nice Suit/Nice Ties
I’ve never been one with good tastes in clothes. That doesn’t mean I don’t wouldn’t mind some. Sure, I have some nicer things that I wear (or that my fat ass can still fit into) from time to time, but I generally wear the same thing everyday. True story – I haven’t worn a pear of jeans in almost five years. All corduroy, baby. Every website that lists things a man my age “should have” by the time he reaches 30 is a nice tailored suit. Unfortunately, I deal with the mix and match. I rocked the professional look (brown jacket and slacks) for years, and I still bring it out on special occasions for work. Unless a giant cash flow comes in the near future, I will continue rocking the clothes I wear.
I get a little sad every time I walk by a nice suit in a store. For now, I’ll look like I am in a David Byrne video. Things to work for, though.
As far as the ties are concerned, all but one are hand-me-downs from my father. Why? To be honest, I generally suck at dressing myself and chose the most neutral tie choices to match any outfit. I am a poorly dressed chameleon. Also, nice ties are super expensive, and I don’t think I could pull off a power tie anyway.
Listen, if wearing sweatpants to work was acceptable, I would have one outfit.
3. A Potato Masher
This one is relatively self-explanatory. What the hell do you use to mash something if you don’t have a masher? My wife and I have resorted to using a hand blender. It works fine, but it’s truly not the same. I want to mash things, dammit. I want to reenact Alan Rickman stabbing the table in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves…but with potatoes.
This is really just a silent plea for more mashed potatoes.
4. Nice Underwear
You get me, Garth.
In the history of my adult life, I have never bought underwear that did not come in a 3 pack. That being said, the average shelf life of a Matt Eng pair of underwear is at least 6-7 years. Screw you, Marky Mark. I am the real face of the average underwear user.
By the time I am forced to throw them away, they have a look slightly reminiscent of tree rings. It’s magical. The crotch is all blown out and the elastic of the waistband is barely there. The sagging feeling feels like home to me. Looking back, it’s all I have ever really known.
“You know, if you got a nice pair of underwear, it would feel a lot better.”
I bet it would. The reason I have never bought nice underwear is pretty simple. Everybody always talks about their great pairs of broken in jeans. I don’t wear jeans (see above), but I do wear underwear. Mine are broken in and road tested. They are, as Garth said, a part of me. Do any guys really have nice underwear? Do guys buy nice underwear because they want the ladies to see it? Nah. If you don’t love me when I wake up in my frayed Haynes boxer briefs with two holes in the crotch, you prob. never will. Thankfully, my wife still tolerates it.
5. High Quality Toilet Paper.
This one is actually not for me. I asked Angela (my wife) if she had any suggestions about this blog story before I wrote it. Good toilet paper is the first thing she said to me when asked. It took maybe two seconds for her to think of an answer. When she said it, I could see the look of pain in her eyes, like she was dying for me to ask it for years now. Yet I will never waver on my decision to forgo buying expensive toilet paper. I feel like most readers will side with my significant other on this matter. No matter the price, everyone should have a good BM experience. TP is usually the icing on the cake. For my household, one person in particular loathes the experience, so I guess I have to explain myself. My reasons are pretty simple. And, since this one is about poop, I must go into detail.
A. The Clog Issue
Thick toilet paper that is more than double ply (AKA Charmin, Quilted Northern, etc.) are more likely to clog up a toilet. I would much rather be a “rough rider” than have to pump poo through a clogged system at 3am. Call me crazy. You might ask yourself, “maybe you can wipe less.”
Come on…..come on. I do what I need to do to get the job done. END OF STORY.
B. If I Wanted a Peanut Butter Sandwich, I’d Make One
I don’t like the feeling of soft toilet paper. It’s not a pleasant one. I don’t feel in control. I don’t have a control issue overall, unless I am making food sausages.
Listen. I need to feel it. I need to know what I am doing. In short, my buttocks needs to know I am boss. I am the king of my body functions. And I will wipe away the sins of my food choices in any way I see fit. I don’t want to feel like I am wiping myself with wedding cake. Yes..I went there.
And for God sakes, I will never do the wet wipes thing. The last thing I want to feel on my butt is wetness on wetness. It actually gives me shivers.
C. Until the three seashell method is adopted, I will keep on doing it the same way. Your move, John Spartan.
HONORABLE MENTION: Quality Shaving Cream/Razors.
DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE RAZORS ARE! This one is for all the ladies, as well. I have to shave just my face. Most women shave much, much more. That kind of wear and tear is both tiring and very expensive. Thankfully, a Costco membership helps, but even that goes only so far. Discount or no discount, you are always going to shell out serious dough to make your face silky smooth.
The problem is, my face is never completely smooth because my shaving cream is, according to my wife, “the cheapest shit possible.” She isn’t wrong. You can get a can of Barbasol relatively anywhere for only a few bucks. I prefer the menthol scent. I love that it’s cheap, but I do hate that it almost always leaves me feeling half done when I am finishing up.
…and please don’t tell me about Dollar Shave Club. Those razors are pretty shit. I really do like my Mach 3 razor. It feels amazing for those first two weeks of use. Then it starts getting harder and harder to shave, getting to the point of almost digging into your skin to get the stubble off. If I ever upgrade from the two, it will be the cream and not the razor. For now, I can dream about a simpler time when good shaving cream was abundant and plentiful…
Delusional Thoughts From Fantasy Island 