OPP happened to me today. I am not down with it.

June 22, 2015June 22, 2015 mengx001Leave a comment

“Dave, drop a load on ’em”

First, my apologies go out to Treach, Vin Rock, and DJ Kay Gee. I am not referring to the “OPP” in the now famous 1991 smash single by Naughy by Nature. It might be easier that way. I did not fall victim to other people’s “property,” “penis,” or “pussy”…but POOP.

That’s right…other people’s poop.

You might be asking yourself what I am referring to. I think this is a growing epidemic in the office environment that needs to be addressed. Do not think of this as comedy writing. Please think of this as a public service announcement. This will be followed by a rigorous letter-writing campaign and several leaflet droppings over the ten major cities across the United States.

“OPP” refers to the blame you receive when you use a public restroom and are blamed for the smell of another person’s body sausage.

This happened to me today in my usual bathroom stall. Let’s set the stage:

There are two stalls where I work. The stalls are within inches of the three urinals lined up next to it. Now, I won’t get into the logistics of a proper men’s restroom set up. That being said, this small room is designed like a firing squad of human waste elimination. It’s the perfect storm for OPP, whether you like it or not. The close proximity of toilets to sinks/door, coupled with the stale and uncirculating air, makes it an ideal place for your latest cash deposit to linger like a fever dream from some 11-year-old Yankee Candle maker.

Did you have to let it linger? Oh, I’m such a fool for stool.

So I went in to use the urinal. Three cups of coffee within an hour and a half period will do that to anyone. I noticed the smell right away. About midway through my elimination, the toilet flushes and the gentleman (who shall remain nameless) exits out of the stall.

The smell assaulted my nostrils in a way that can only be described as “terrorism of the senses.” I don’t think the CIA is using torture effectively anymore. We need to get a list of this guy’s personal diet and we will be defeating ISIS in no time. In any case, he quickly washes his hands and exits before I even finish at the urinal. As I flush and make my way to wash my hands, I notice another colleague walking in. He immediately uses two senses: sight and smell. That being, he smells the horrible odor coming from the bathroom and sees me marching towards the sink like some lost dog looking for its master.

You know what you did. — You know what you did you son of a bitch.

We both made the mistake of making direct eye contact within 1 second of seeing each other. By then, the damage was already done. He immediately throws me a disapproving look, complete with upturned nose. We both know each other well, although we work in different organizations. Both organizations have meetings together quite frequently. What am I going to do when we have our next pow wow to talk about the next project we are working on? He is going to stare at me and remember one thing: that smell. My OPP curse.

All I wanted to do is stare at him while he was peeing and yell “IT WASN’T ME. I DIDNT MAKE THAT! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! PLEASEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

But I can’t. It’s too awkward. OPP is the kind of catch-22 that you cannot get out of, unless you want to risk further embarrassment from talking about said offensive smell. I’m not saying I have never been on the other end of this dilemma. I can’t say I haven’t shot accusations at certain people, or questioned their need to seek medical help. But I never did. I never suggested that energy drinks and peanut butter does not a happy tummy make. I’m not an animal, for God sakes.

Because OPP is OPP. And I am not down with it.

If Popular Websites Were Restaurants Chains

March 28, 2015March 28, 2015 mengx001Leave a comment

If you know me, you know that I love the subtle (and not so subtle) art of making comparisons out of anything. Metaphor can be a powerful tool in your work place and social life. It is both charming and annoying at the same time because it makes you seem smarter than you actually are. I’m not very smart.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning and found a story shared via Buzzfeed by one of my friends. Same old stuff I have seen a thousand times. I still clicked and read it. Turns out there are more facts about the film Scream that I cared to know. Did you know they only used 50 gallons of blood for the ENTIRE MOVIE? I also saw an advertisement for Red Robin directly below the Buzzfeed link. This makes almost no sense, as there are only a handful of these diarrhea-greasy restaurants in the Washington, D.C. metro area where I live. Then again, who am I to question Based Zuckerberg.

I know Facebook includes advertisements on your Internet search history and what you have post about. Thank god I don’t my feed isn’t about farting and dogs…because that’s about me in a nutshell. On second glance, it all started to make sense. Why not give them what they want? Why not beat them at their own game and make myself feel smarter than I actually am (which is really not at all). In the spirit of that heir of superficial superiority, I thought long and hard about the food and Internet connection while I was performing my morning constitution. I wrote down what I felt would be the restaurant chain equivalent to today’s most popular viral news websites.

Buzzfeed

Restaurant: McDonald’s
Why: Buzzfeed is that guilty pleasure that you love to diss in public amongst mixed company. In reality, you crave it daily even though you know it’s terrible for you. The ingredients to their burgers, not unlike their stories, are pretty bland and uncharacteristic. Both are well promoted and revered by most Americans. Yet you keep coming back because it’s the same. Every bite or click is like Norm walking back into Cheers. You can go on Buzzfeed any day of the week since it began back in 2006 and see the same clickbait crap you have always seen. The same goes with the McDouble. I consume both, sometimes at the same time. It’s good enough for a quick fix or a pig out session. Most Buzzfeed and McDonald’s gorging happen at night when you are in bed. Eat your super sized meal with a towel over your face so God can’t see your shame.

College Humor

Restaurant: Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Why: You are there to have a good time. No cares – just fun. Are the articles and videos on College Humor entertaining? Of course they are. Are they meaningful? Hell no. They have been there since your college days and have always been a standard by which you view other similar videos on the Interwebs. The same goes with Five Guys. Beware of eating/viewing too much, however. They may give you a heart attack in due time. Both leave you feeling like you can’t go back and consume their product for several weeks. In reality, you will visit the next day because you are an animal. But hey, that grocery bag filled with French fries isn’t going to eat itself. To this day, the G.I. Joe videos are the gold standard by which I base all Internet humor. You can say the same for the Five Guys hamburger.

Huffington Post

Restaurant: Ruby Tuesday’s
Why: There came a time when both were at the top of their game in the late 1990s and early 2000s. George Bush’s tenure in office signaled the boom for two businesses: The Huffington Post and Ruby Tuesday’s. In fact, I can remember eating at a Ruby Tuesdays in Virginia Beach on the night of the 2000 election. I got some chicken fingers and a side of hanging chad. The strips were simulaneously tasty, predictable, and comforting. News works that way sometimes. You could eat at a Ruby Tuesdays or read a Huffpo article and feel a sense of relative good will and cheer. In the days before viral news and social networking, both had their place in society as the go-to for what we all wanted – affordable food and accountable news. Celebrity-authored articles and vaguely gourmet steaks marked the year in our lord 2002. Those were the salad days (pun intended).

Mayo-based sneeze bowls. (via Tripadvisor)

And then things changed. Society is a bitch.

You can change the menu and décor all you want, Ruby Tuesday. You fool no one. There is a good side and bad side to both businesses. Huffpo used to be a resource for individuals to read truly meaningful articles about the socio-political happenings around the world. Ruby Tuesday’s was a place where I could eat a fairly decent burger and fries without feeling overwhelming culpability. Now? Both have morphed into an amalgamation of everything we have come to love and hate in society today. Burger sliders and clickbait. Endless salad bar and viral videos. You come to it like a sinner at confession because it’s a safe place where no one will judge you for your actions…or your 2,500-calorie turkey burger. That salad bar, though. Pile on the vegetables and drench it in ranch because that makes it almost healthy, right?

The Washington Post

Restaurant: La Tasca
Why: It’s good enough to satisfy most cravings, but still leaves you wanting more. There is legitimacy to it that makes you feel secure enough to dive in headfirst, but not enough to give you a complete sense of superiority. Since this is about chain restaurants, the one tapas chain where I live in DC is La Tasca. Menu choices are many but all somehow related. Why do all tapas places want to serve me food with chopsticks? You can go to both and be either a citizen of the world and a giant dbag. You choose.

Both can be hip and trendy at times. It’s also where you’ll find the intelligencia spouting their beliefs in an open forum. Don’t want to hear it? Too freaking bad. Sit and listen to the bearded hipster next to you talk about some obscure graphic novel while you wolf down a tiny shrimp and herb crustini at twelve bucks a pop. It’s good enough for a quick fix, but not enough to leave your tummy satisfied. You’ll most likely end up finding yourself at McDonald’s (Buzzfeed) by the end of the night.

The Wall Street Journal

Restaurant: Chick Fil A
Why: The subtle conservative Christian undertone says it all. Finance AND gun control? Don’t read it if you are homosexual…or at least open minded one with a conceal and carry license. You probably share WSJ posts on your Facebook feed as a source of legitimacy to your own vaguely neo-Conservative thinking. Is Obama killing this country’s financial sector? Like Chick Fil A, if you share a Wall Street Journal post on Sunday, you will find the interaction to be unfulfilling and empty. Much like your heartless soul. Get a haircut, you heathen. No guns in DC? No Chick Fil A in DC. Coincidence?

The Blaze

Restaurant: The behind-the-store garbage bin at your local 7-11
Why: You’re going to get the same stuff you see on the Internet’s news sites, but in a slightly watered down and condensed/narrow way. You have your views on abortion? Nope. It’s my way or the highway. Are you in a mood for something quick to snack on during a road trip? I guess these hot dog flavored chips will have to do. Shit. Wash it down with a 87 ounce Big Gulp because YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY AND TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG AND RUINING THIS COUNTRY. Everything comes with a label, and that label is clearly marked on each packaging. You might crave those Haribo Gummy Cola bottles, but you will only be left with a sad imitation of the truth. Can you tell I am not Conservative yet? If that upsets you, make sure to wallow your sadness in some stale nachos with expired cheese and yellowing jalapeno peppers. Delicious.

P.S. Matt Walsh is the worst person alive. I don’t care if you are conservative or not. The guy is a bag of cats thrown into the ocean. I bet he buys a full pizza at 7-11 and argues over the cost with the employee, who he probably says is freeloading of honest and good-natured Americans like himself.

BBC News

Restaurant: Panera Bread Company
Why: At face level, it all seems sophisticated. BBC News reporters are British after all. It’s like Panera in that its surroundings are comforting, almost homey. Look at the damn logo – it’s a woman caressing bread. Just like my childhood. You know you can get the news better from another site, but find yourself wanting to go there. A solid location for a second or third date, Panera allows you to spend a little time soaking up the atmosphere while you desperately cling to the hopes of some under the shirt action later. Come on, that soup and sandwich combo you paid for was like twelve bucks. Just kidding. Like BBC News, Panera has the notion of effort without actually expending any. A Facebook share of a BBC News article screams, “I am the informed.” It is truly the fresh strawberry summer salad of news.

Fox News

Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza
Why: It all seems innocent and cheap when you first get in there. You’re half right. You are even greeted warmly by a worker behind the counter. After you’ve paid your money and settle into your first plate on the buffet line, you see what really lies beneath: mac and cheese pizza with a clear sheen of grease and sadness. It’s not that Fox is bad news. It’s the way it is presented – a high calorie substitute to something we have all come to love. In this case, it’s America. The difference between America and ‘Merica is quality pizza pie. Do yourself a favor and head to a local pizza joint for a slice. It might cost you more money, but you will feel a hell of a lot better in the long run. Welcome to CiCi’s? Welcome to hell. Have a slice or seventeen of pizza marinated in children’s tears and shut up.

Answers

Restaurant: Golden Corral
Why: So many choices. Who are the celebrities that look fatter today than they did back in the 90s? Puzzler. There is an entire buffet line for you to click and swipe through. The end result? A lot of Pedialyte and regret. You will probably go to a Golden Corral or visit an Answers list every once in a while to keep your life in check. If you’re living a particularly good life, make sure to stop in to let take yourself down a peg or two. It’s only your dignity right? Like the Corral, you don’t want anyone to know that you are there on Answers. It’s a great refuge for long dumps in the bathroom or boredom-induced comas at the doctor’s office. It’s there when you need it like a best friend who has remained in your friend zone for fifteen years. Don’t play just the tip with Golden Corral or your best friend. Go big or go home. Get the chocolate wonderfall and dip your entire goddamn hand in there because you want to feel something. We are (we are) the youth of the nation.

Facebook

Restaurant: Taco Bell
Why: This one is too easy to devote time to explain. You love it and hate it, and it’s always there to spew out the same old shit you love and hate. If you are crying while you devour a 12-taco Party Pack solo, you are doing it right.

HAPPY EATING AND WEB SURFING!

Top 10 Most Upsetting Kidz Bop Songs

March 23, 2015March 23, 2015 mengx001Leave a comment

I love music. I love listening to it and collecting it. The best bar conversations are arguments over music, hands down. When it comes to music, I generally prefer the original song compared to a cover. There are some exceptions, such as Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” (Leonard Cohen), Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails), and The White Stripes’s “Jolene” (Dolly Parton). In these specific cases, the cover vastly outweighs the greatness of the original. Purists be damned.

Let me preface this post – I am not a music elitist, despite what many of my friends say. That being said, certain covers of music are just…bad. They move beyond simply poorly executed music and move into the realm of audio-holocaust. No music anthology is more responsible for this than Kidz Bop. In case you don’t know, Kidz Bop music compilations takes the most popular music of the day (What you would mostly see on a NOW compilation) and record kid-friendly versions of these songs. In order to make the songs appropriate for children, many of the lyrics and changed AND SUNG by a chorus of kids. That’s right, each track is a sing a long. I can only imagine a “cool guy” youth pastor trying to pass these songs off at a church social function.

Here is my list of the top 10 most upsetting Kidz Bop songs. I based my choices on each track having at least one of the three following criteria:

Horrible versions of otherwise good songs.
Drastic changes to the lyrics.
The offensive nature of the lyrics – sung by children.

Without further ado – my top 10. They are most certainly in order.

10. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand (Kidz Bop 8)

Why It’s Bad: This is a great example of a terrible version of an otherwise good song. I was never the biggest fan of Franz Ferdinand. To be completely honest, they were my least favorite of the early 2000s garage rock explosion. The track feels hastily put together; more so than any normal Kidz Bop track. The chorus of kids shouting in the background sounds confused and rushed, like an updated chorus to Another Brick in the Wall, but way shittier.

Most Upsetting Aspect: For sure, the most upsetting aspect of the song is hearing the kids sing “I want you…to take me out.” Something is not right about that. I am listening to it in reverse so I can hear “free candy and ice cream” in the background.

9. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: I was actually surprised this song made it on the list. The lead singer and kid chorus rarely match up in vocal range. Somebody is flat the entire time, even with the heavily-used autotune. The synthesizer sounds like Windows ’95 MIDI.

Most Upsetting Aspect: I find myself asking the need for the song in the first place. Kids won’t associate with this song at all. It’s something, as grownups, we kinda smile and laugh at now. All I can hear is a bunch of kids singing “die” over and over again. You know why I am blue? A bunch of creepy kids are telling me to go die: da ba dee da ba DIE.

8. Hey Soul Sister – Train (Kidz Bop 18)

Why It’s Bad: As far as overplayed pop songs, it was a toss-up between this and Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I chose this one because I actually enjoy the Gotye song, whereas this song gives me a sick feeling in my stomach every time I hear it. It’s not that it’s overplayed and popular. I love pop music. It’s that it sucks. This version is somehow worse than the original. The only voice you really hear the entire time is the lead (adult) female singer, so all it really sounds like is a really bad cover of an already terrible song.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Instead of the lyrics “My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest,” the words “beating chest” are put in. I guess that’s good, considering a female is singing it. It does get better. Instead of “like a virgin, you’re Madonna,” the words “like a pop star, you’re Madonna” is sung instead. Madge is not amused.

7. Float On – Modest Mouse (Kidz Bop 7)

Why It’s Bad: The lead singer has a hard time finding his voice. Half the time, he sounds like a karaoke version of Billy Joel. The other half of the song sounds reminiscent of the lead singer of the Arcade Fire. It’s a really weird and upsetting mix. The reverb-laden twang guitar, a signature sound of Modest Mouse, is sanitized and poured over with saccharine-sweet melodies that only vaguely resemble the original. It kinda sounds like somebody butchering your favorite song at Guitar Center. It’s a shame. I really like this song. The Lonesome Crowded West is still one of the best albums put out in the late 1990s. The next Kidz Bop should have “Cowboy Dan” in it.

Most Upsetting Aspect: None of the lyrics are really changed in the song. That’s good, I guess. They did add a few signature “YEAH’s!” into the mix. Maybe I am more upset that nothing was changed. It is kind of funny to hear a chorus of kids sing “Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.”

6. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake (Kidz Bop 4)

Why It’s Bad: So bad. I really love this song. Thanks for ruining J.T.’s best track, Kidz Bop. This is one of the few instances where the kids make up for the truly crap job the lead singer did. I can imagine a struggling bar musician calling up his friends about a “big gig” lined up in LA. That gig was probably in an hourly rental studio space shared with a Chinese restaurant in Ohio somewhere where they recorded this human garbage. Each recorded track comes with one from Column A and one from Column B. The dude singing is really trying to channel Michael Jackson and failing. Ironic. Too soon?

Most Upsetting Aspect: The background beat-boxing is precious. I don’t know, it’s just really bad. The subject matter is bad for kids. The vocal stylings of the main singer make it unlistenable. The kids almost sound cute singing. This is not a cute song. 0/10.

5. Fly – Sugar Ray (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: The first two Kidz Bop records were really bad. Maybe that’s because I can clearly remember most of the tracks on there. I originally had Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” in this spot, but decided to include Sugar Ray’s seminal track “Fly” instead. Why? You will have to listen for yourself.

Most Upsetting Aspect: The lead male singer is truly upsetting. More upsetting than the song itself. More upsetting than Mark McGrath’s obvious plastic surgery. He sounds like Raffi got drunk and stumbled into a Golden Corral that also does karaoke. You can almost taste the bourbon street chicken and chocolate wonderfall when you listen to this. RIP adolescence…..RIP.

4. Higher – Creed (Kidz Bop 2)

Why It’s Bad: Do you remember when the lead singer of this band made news last year about how he was dead broke and living in his car? The gas for that vehicle is paid for with the royalties from this song. I think the guy that sang Fly sang this song, too.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Everything. This one is too easy. If you haven’t watched “Creed Shreds,” do it. That still sounds better than this. The solo towards the end of the song is embarrassing. I am really bad at guitar, but I think I could have done better on the first take. I feel bad for the kids that had to sing on this song. When the chorus comes in, the kids sound completely bored. I can imagine a few of them yawning in the recording studio. A few of them probably thought, “I could be playing my Nintendo Gamecube right now.” Let’s not go there, Scott.

3. Alejandro – Lady Gaga (Kidz Bop 18)

Why It’s Bad: As far as production and talent, this is one of the better ones on the list. I’m not the biggest fan of Lady Gaga, but she does have a few catchy songs. I did like the first version of this song, Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita.” That’s right, I said it. So, this version is a copy of a copy. It’s a decent song that has no place in a kids album.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Lyrics like “babe” and “hot like Mexico” are changed to “girl” and “just like Mexico.” Naturally, when the words “but her boyfriend’s like her dad” comes up, they have to change it. I would certainly hope so. Who produced this track, Chris Hansen? Every CD purchase comes with cookies and lemonade.

2. Lips of An Angel – Hinder (Kidz Bop 11)

Why It’s Bad: This is my least favorite song on this list. Hands down. To have kids subjected to singing this is wrong. It is hilarious though that you can hear how into it the lead adult singer is. The song is just straight up inappropriate.

Most Upsetting Aspect: When the kids provide the backup vocals to the lyrics “Well my girl’s in the next room/Sometimes I wish she was you.” I hear that and am already starting the water for the shower. Ugh.

1. Livin’ La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: I don’t care what you say, this song is crazy catchy. The music video was pretty dope, too. But when you get kids singing it word for word the entire song, it crosses the realm of inappropriate and into the absurd. The kids yell and scream in the background throughout the song. I think that will haunt my dreams for a few years.

Most Upsetting Aspect: This is an extremely sexual song and NONE of the lyrics were changed. Maybe they didn’t care as much when they first put these out. But damn, kids talking about taking their clothes off and drinking champagne? Bad form. I just hope that these kids, who are probably now graduating from college or in the work force, are not scarred from this. No bullets to the brain, please.

Craft Beer is a Cult: A Comparison

February 5, 2015February 5, 2015 mengx001Leave a comment

This morning, I posted a status update on Facebook that has gotten a lot of interesting comments/support/criticism. Here it is:

I’m not here to piss on your flowers. For me, cheap beer that tastes pretty one note is the kind that I like. This is not at all sparked by the Budweiser Superbowl commercial, either. I think I was peeing when that one aired. Like all things with religious fervor, the backlash for disliking a certain type of beer is damnation.

When I thought more and more about it as the morning progressed, I had a realization: people who try to sway you into liking certain craft brews is a lot like somebody coming to your door and witnessing to you. I’ll do a side by side comparison so you can see the striking similarities.

The Introduction:

EVANGELIST: Good Morning, Sir. My name is Joe Smith.

CRAFT BEER BRO: What’s up, man. Do you like my new infinity scarf?

The Question:

EVANGELIST: May I talk to you a moment about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?
CRAFT BEER BRO: Yo, bro. I see you’re drinking a Miller Lite? Come on, man. Are you serious? You are grown. GROWN. Let me tell you about all the awesome beer this bar has, man. I want to force feed it down your throat like your some Iron-Jawed Angel.

The Defense:

YOU: It’s cool. I’m Baptist.
EVANGELIST: I see that. Thank you for accepting the Lord Jesus Christ. But, may I spend a few moments talking to you about the true path and Mormon faith? There are so many wonderful things I need to tell you.

YOU: I mean, it’s cool man. I just like beer to taste like beer. Nothing fancy.
CRAFT BEER BRO: How can you say that? I thought I knew you better. There are so many wonderful beers out there. They totally don’t taste like shower water mixed with Splenda.

Failing at Diversion:

YOU: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to join your faith.
EVANGELIST: I understand. It’s just…I see you are a good person and want to see you saved in the Mormon faith.

YOU: Why can’t you just let me enjoy it? I’m sorry. I don’t want to spend 8 dollars on some sour shit I don’t care to pretend to like.
CRAFT BEER BRO: Look, I like you. I just…I just want you to enjoy GOOD beer. Come on, try a sip of my O’Connor’s honey lemon cow flop porter. It’s local. It’s good!

Attempting to End Convo/Firing Back:

YOU: I am not interested. You are sounding a little too pushy right now.
EVANGELIST: I am sorry to hear that. I need to give you some literature, but I can’t seem to find a fresh copy of The Watchtower.

YOU: I am not interested. You are sounding like a real hipster right now.
CRAFT BEER BRO: I’m not a hipster. Do you see me drinking PBR? Don’t label me. Be right back – I have to go see if my vaporizer is with my fixed gear bike. I need to give you a fresh copy of Alt Daily.

Ending the Conversation:

YOU: You can probably find it with your poor life choices.
EVANGELIST: Burn in hell.

YOU: You can probably find it with your poor life choices.
CRAFT BEER BRO: Go to hell.

Fin.

See? It’s that simple. Don’t worry about craft beer bro. There are plenty more people to convert during his mission. It’s not three years. Let’s just hope that he works it out in his twenties.

My advice: put a “No Solicitors” sign on your head next time you head to the bar.

It’s Time We Talk About It: Pasturbation

January 31, 2015January 31, 2015 mengx0011 Comment

We need to talk for a minute about a silent epidemic that’s sweeping this nation. Forget about influenza or the measles. Anti-vaccers have no power here. We are talking about pasturbation. I said that correctly: PAST-UR-BATION. Pasturbation is the true clear and present danger in the United States right now. If you are reading this, you have probably pasturbated in the last twenty-four hours. My God – you might be pasturbating RIGHT NOW.

What is pasturbation? Let me tell you.

pas·tur·ba·tion noun \ˌpas-tər-ˈbā-shən\

: self satisfactory stimulation from one’s recollection of past life experiences spoken to an individual or group of individuals who have no interest in listening; commonly resulting in dull, witless conversation and verbal diarrhea; causes occasional friend or relationship ending, swallowed sadness, self loathing, or a combination of these agencies.

Individuals prone to Pasturbation may experience the following symptoms:

An inflated sense of self-purpose.
Sounding dull and baseless to your friends and loved ones.
Living in a residence in or around the Ghent neighborhood of Norfolk, VA or Brooklyn, NY.
Referring to “we” in reference to professional sports teams.
Uses hashtags on social media platforms other than Twitter.
Starting conversations with “Do you remember that time?”
The desire to senselessly name drop in casual conversation.
Spouting long diatribes about the differences between “rap” and “hip hop,” while pretending to like neither.
Asking you rhetorical questions without giving you the time to answer.
Giving yourself a nickname.
Posting inspirational quotes on their Facebook wall.

Pasturbation, not unlike masturbation, is a complete act of self-satisfaction. Both actions satisfy the individual performing the act, often at the expense of others. They don’t hurt anyone in particular, but can cause some issues to surface. There are no myths or legends associated with pasturbation. Your palms won’t get hairy. You won’t go cross-eyed. You can’t eat Kellog’s Corn Flakes to reverse its symptoms. You’ll just look a little more like a douchebag each time you do it. Put simply, pasturbation is all about talking about the glorious days of your past while in the present.

Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all done it. More importantly, we have all endured listening to it happen and done nothing about it. There are events in all of our lives that we want to remember in the good times in the bad. Maybe you were hot shit in high school. Maybe you won a spelling bee. Remember that winning touchdown you scored, or the three-pointer from pee wee league basketball? Well, nobody else does. Did any of these events have a direct effect on where you are now in life? Probably not. But we still hold them close to the vest like some sort of life-experience talisman.

For me, I tend to go back to the glory days of my teenage youth when I played music in bands. It was a great time in my life that I look back fondly. It’s honestly fun to talk about. Everybody loves a little bass guitar and angst mixed together. I probably don’t need to bring it up in public, as it likely sounds show-boaty and pretentious. So why do I do it? What purpose does it really serve? In the end, these ruminations only help myself. Nobody wants that – nobody wants to be that guy, right?

In order to avoid being “that person,” I’m here to help you when pasturbation strikes. If you or a loved one are experiencing the onset of a pasturbating individual, do one of the following to counteract its effect:

Begin talking about different things that also happened in the year they are pasturbating on. For example: “Cool story bro. The same year you threw that game-winning touchdown in the game, Master P was relevant.” Or perhaps try “1991? That was a really good year for Jodeci.”
Find an emotional flaw and exploit it like an Achilles’ heel. Pasturbation tends to bring many of those insecurities to the surface.
Mimic their own verbal diarrhea by farting in your hand and lifting it up to their nose. This should casually stop all conversation.
Take a fake phone call on your phone and step aside for a moment. Hope to God that no ACTUAL phone call comes through. This move has equal risk and benefits associated with it.
Or just simply walk away.

Living out your glory days in the present does nothing for your future unless you’re in a job interview with your resume or portfolio in front of you. That’s about it. I mean seriously, who wants to live out the lyrics of a Bruce Springsteen song? Have you every actually listened to the lyrics of “Glory Days?” It’s a wonderful song, but the words are seriously depressing and sad. Don’t be that person.

The worst form of pasturbation is with mixed company. I know that many of us (including myself) are victims and offenders of this.

Here is a common scenario. I’ll put it in typical screenwriting format to make it

easier. Perhaps you can act it out with your friends or loved ones.

PASTURBATION: THE ONE ACT PLAY

LOCAL BAR – EVENING

John is meeting up with his girlfriend Laura and a few of her college friends at a local watering hole on a Thursday evening. John walks into the bar after work and sees Laura conversing with her two friends, Stacy and Denise.

JOHN
Hey Babe. How are you?

LAURA
Hey honey, I’m good! I want to introduce you to my
girlfriends from college, Stacy and Denise.

They all introduce each other and shake hands. Smiles are shared all around. John stops the waitress to order a beer.

JOHN
Really great to finally meet you guys in person.

STACY
Definitely. It’s been what….two years since you guys
started dating!?

JOHN
Yeah. Pretty crazy. So what are you girls talking about?

DENISE
OMG, John. We were just talking about some good times
we had in college.

The girls point up to the air and shout in unison.

LAURA/STACY/DENISE
KAPPA ZETA NU!!!!

JOHN
Jesus, Laura. I didn’t know you were in
a sorority.

STACY
John, did you know how hot your girlfriend
was back then? So. Effing. Hot. God, we
had some fun times.

JOHN
Totally. So where do you guys work?

DENISE
Do you remember that time we all got
trashed at the spring formal? Stacy you were
soooo wasted.

STACY
Well, duh, you would be wasted too if you got
a perfect score on Professor Dungy’s political
science exam. I did so well on it. I remember
nailing the second essay question about the U.N.
response to Rwanda. I thought I was going to fail, but
aced it. Go me! Man, I was SO good at political science,
you know? I wanted to change the world.

JOHN
Oh, that’s great. Do you work in politics now?

STACY
No, I ended up majoring in communications. I work as a receptionist for my dad’s construction company.

JOHN
Oh. I’m sorry.

John begins to think about ways he can pass the time and wait for the pasturbatory circle jerk to end. Should he go to the bathroom? No. That won’t last too long. Fake sickness? No. He would have to deal with that when he got home. I guess the only thing to do is to sit and deal with it.

STACY
Why should you be sorry, John? Being a receptionist
is kinda fun. I mean, what are fantasies, anyway?
I gave up on those “pie in the sky” hopes and dreams after
I married Tony.

JOHN
Is Tony your husband?

STACY
Uh, yeah. He is a piece of shit. I’m sure he’s at home
with the kids now. I don’t want to talk about depressing
stuff.

JOHN
But…

STACY
Tony doesn’t have shit on Roger, the guy I dated
sophomore year. He was beautiful. Do you remember
him? He looked like Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life.
I remember I once screamed out “Where’s Tino” during sex.

DENISE
You slut!

STACY
Whatever, you’re the slut. I should really Facebook stalk
roger. He probably wants to hear about the times we had
awkward, non-pleasant sex over a decade ago.

John continues to look at his watch and fondle the rim of his glass uncomfortably like a blind stripper auditioning on Star Search.

STACY
Remember when we all got dressed up and went
door-to-door asking for shots and beers?

LAURA
Oh my gawd, that was so crazy! Denise, I thought
you were going to make out with the guy in the apartment
across from us. He was sooooo cute.

DENISE
Um, YEAH HE WAS! He wanted some of this
body. Who wouldn’t God, I used to have a rocking bod.
I could go to the gym once a year and eat
anything I want. Those were the days.
John, you could bounce a quarter off my ass!
It was incredible. You girls didn’t have it easy like
me back then…but I’m paying for it now,
right? Sorry John. I guess you’d have to be there.

JOHN
Pretty much…

John gives a half smile to feign passing interesting in whatever basic shit they are talking about from the past. He stares into his beer and ponders how many of these it will take to make the conversation interesting again. He just left work, and now he is fantasizing about what kinds of things he will copy tomorrow morning when he gets in at 9am.

The waitress walks by their table. John flags her down.

JOHN
Hi. Excuse me. Can I get four tequila shots?

WAITRESS
Oh, okay. Is this for the table?

JOHN
No, this is just for me.

So what is the lesson we learned here? There are certainly victims to pasturbation. There are side effects. I think the best thing we can do is be aware of it and its dangers. Living in the past only makes your present day situation THAT much sadder. Nobody wants to be sad. Be proud of who you are, recognize past events, and move on. Live in the now. Stop pasturbation.