If Popular Websites Were Restaurants Chains

March 28, 2015March 28, 2015 mengx001Leave a comment

If you know me, you know that I love the subtle (and not so subtle) art of making comparisons out of anything. Metaphor can be a powerful tool in your work place and social life. It is both charming and annoying at the same time because it makes you seem smarter than you actually are. I’m not very smart.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning and found a story shared via Buzzfeed by one of my friends. Same old stuff I have seen a thousand times. I still clicked and read it. Turns out there are more facts about the film Scream that I cared to know. Did you know they only used 50 gallons of blood for the ENTIRE MOVIE? I also saw an advertisement for Red Robin directly below the Buzzfeed link. This makes almost no sense, as there are only a handful of these diarrhea-greasy restaurants in the Washington, D.C. metro area where I live. Then again, who am I to question Based Zuckerberg.

I know Facebook includes advertisements on your Internet search history and what you have post about. Thank god I don’t my feed isn’t about farting and dogs…because that’s about me in a nutshell. On second glance, it all started to make sense. Why not give them what they want? Why not beat them at their own game and make myself feel smarter than I actually am (which is really not at all). In the spirit of that heir of superficial superiority, I thought long and hard about the food and Internet connection while I was performing my morning constitution. I wrote down what I felt would be the restaurant chain equivalent to today’s most popular viral news websites.

Buzzfeed

Restaurant: McDonald’s
Why: Buzzfeed is that guilty pleasure that you love to diss in public amongst mixed company. In reality, you crave it daily even though you know it’s terrible for you. The ingredients to their burgers, not unlike their stories, are pretty bland and uncharacteristic. Both are well promoted and revered by most Americans. Yet you keep coming back because it’s the same. Every bite or click is like Norm walking back into Cheers. You can go on Buzzfeed any day of the week since it began back in 2006 and see the same clickbait crap you have always seen. The same goes with the McDouble. I consume both, sometimes at the same time. It’s good enough for a quick fix or a pig out session. Most Buzzfeed and McDonald’s gorging happen at night when you are in bed. Eat your super sized meal with a towel over your face so God can’t see your shame.

College Humor

Restaurant: Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Why: You are there to have a good time. No cares – just fun. Are the articles and videos on College Humor entertaining? Of course they are. Are they meaningful? Hell no. They have been there since your college days and have always been a standard by which you view other similar videos on the Interwebs. The same goes with Five Guys. Beware of eating/viewing too much, however. They may give you a heart attack in due time. Both leave you feeling like you can’t go back and consume their product for several weeks. In reality, you will visit the next day because you are an animal. But hey, that grocery bag filled with French fries isn’t going to eat itself. To this day, the G.I. Joe videos are the gold standard by which I base all Internet humor. You can say the same for the Five Guys hamburger.

Huffington Post

Restaurant: Ruby Tuesday’s
Why: There came a time when both were at the top of their game in the late 1990s and early 2000s. George Bush’s tenure in office signaled the boom for two businesses: The Huffington Post and Ruby Tuesday’s. In fact, I can remember eating at a Ruby Tuesdays in Virginia Beach on the night of the 2000 election. I got some chicken fingers and a side of hanging chad. The strips were simulaneously tasty, predictable, and comforting. News works that way sometimes. You could eat at a Ruby Tuesdays or read a Huffpo article and feel a sense of relative good will and cheer. In the days before viral news and social networking, both had their place in society as the go-to for what we all wanted – affordable food and accountable news. Celebrity-authored articles and vaguely gourmet steaks marked the year in our lord 2002. Those were the salad days (pun intended).

Mayo-based sneeze bowls. (via Tripadvisor)

And then things changed. Society is a bitch.

You can change the menu and décor all you want, Ruby Tuesday. You fool no one. There is a good side and bad side to both businesses. Huffpo used to be a resource for individuals to read truly meaningful articles about the socio-political happenings around the world. Ruby Tuesday’s was a place where I could eat a fairly decent burger and fries without feeling overwhelming culpability. Now? Both have morphed into an amalgamation of everything we have come to love and hate in society today. Burger sliders and clickbait. Endless salad bar and viral videos. You come to it like a sinner at confession because it’s a safe place where no one will judge you for your actions…or your 2,500-calorie turkey burger. That salad bar, though. Pile on the vegetables and drench it in ranch because that makes it almost healthy, right?

The Washington Post

Restaurant: La Tasca
Why: It’s good enough to satisfy most cravings, but still leaves you wanting more. There is legitimacy to it that makes you feel secure enough to dive in headfirst, but not enough to give you a complete sense of superiority. Since this is about chain restaurants, the one tapas chain where I live in DC is La Tasca. Menu choices are many but all somehow related. Why do all tapas places want to serve me food with chopsticks? You can go to both and be either a citizen of the world and a giant dbag. You choose.

Both can be hip and trendy at times. It’s also where you’ll find the intelligencia spouting their beliefs in an open forum. Don’t want to hear it? Too freaking bad. Sit and listen to the bearded hipster next to you talk about some obscure graphic novel while you wolf down a tiny shrimp and herb crustini at twelve bucks a pop. It’s good enough for a quick fix, but not enough to leave your tummy satisfied. You’ll most likely end up finding yourself at McDonald’s (Buzzfeed) by the end of the night.

The Wall Street Journal

Restaurant: Chick Fil A
Why: The subtle conservative Christian undertone says it all. Finance AND gun control? Don’t read it if you are homosexual…or at least open minded one with a conceal and carry license. You probably share WSJ posts on your Facebook feed as a source of legitimacy to your own vaguely neo-Conservative thinking. Is Obama killing this country’s financial sector? Like Chick Fil A, if you share a Wall Street Journal post on Sunday, you will find the interaction to be unfulfilling and empty. Much like your heartless soul. Get a haircut, you heathen. No guns in DC? No Chick Fil A in DC. Coincidence?

The Blaze

Restaurant: The behind-the-store garbage bin at your local 7-11
Why: You’re going to get the same stuff you see on the Internet’s news sites, but in a slightly watered down and condensed/narrow way. You have your views on abortion? Nope. It’s my way or the highway. Are you in a mood for something quick to snack on during a road trip? I guess these hot dog flavored chips will have to do. Shit. Wash it down with a 87 ounce Big Gulp because YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY AND TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG AND RUINING THIS COUNTRY. Everything comes with a label, and that label is clearly marked on each packaging. You might crave those Haribo Gummy Cola bottles, but you will only be left with a sad imitation of the truth. Can you tell I am not Conservative yet? If that upsets you, make sure to wallow your sadness in some stale nachos with expired cheese and yellowing jalapeno peppers. Delicious.

P.S. Matt Walsh is the worst person alive. I don’t care if you are conservative or not. The guy is a bag of cats thrown into the ocean. I bet he buys a full pizza at 7-11 and argues over the cost with the employee, who he probably says is freeloading of honest and good-natured Americans like himself.

BBC News

Restaurant: Panera Bread Company
Why: At face level, it all seems sophisticated. BBC News reporters are British after all. It’s like Panera in that its surroundings are comforting, almost homey. Look at the damn logo – it’s a woman caressing bread. Just like my childhood. You know you can get the news better from another site, but find yourself wanting to go there. A solid location for a second or third date, Panera allows you to spend a little time soaking up the atmosphere while you desperately cling to the hopes of some under the shirt action later. Come on, that soup and sandwich combo you paid for was like twelve bucks. Just kidding. Like BBC News, Panera has the notion of effort without actually expending any. A Facebook share of a BBC News article screams, “I am the informed.” It is truly the fresh strawberry summer salad of news.

Fox News

Restaurant: CiCi’s Pizza
Why: It all seems innocent and cheap when you first get in there. You’re half right. You are even greeted warmly by a worker behind the counter. After you’ve paid your money and settle into your first plate on the buffet line, you see what really lies beneath: mac and cheese pizza with a clear sheen of grease and sadness. It’s not that Fox is bad news. It’s the way it is presented – a high calorie substitute to something we have all come to love. In this case, it’s America. The difference between America and ‘Merica is quality pizza pie. Do yourself a favor and head to a local pizza joint for a slice. It might cost you more money, but you will feel a hell of a lot better in the long run. Welcome to CiCi’s? Welcome to hell. Have a slice or seventeen of pizza marinated in children’s tears and shut up.

Answers

Restaurant: Golden Corral
Why: So many choices. Who are the celebrities that look fatter today than they did back in the 90s? Puzzler. There is an entire buffet line for you to click and swipe through. The end result? A lot of Pedialyte and regret. You will probably go to a Golden Corral or visit an Answers list every once in a while to keep your life in check. If you’re living a particularly good life, make sure to stop in to let take yourself down a peg or two. It’s only your dignity right? Like the Corral, you don’t want anyone to know that you are there on Answers. It’s a great refuge for long dumps in the bathroom or boredom-induced comas at the doctor’s office. It’s there when you need it like a best friend who has remained in your friend zone for fifteen years. Don’t play just the tip with Golden Corral or your best friend. Go big or go home. Get the chocolate wonderfall and dip your entire goddamn hand in there because you want to feel something. We are (we are) the youth of the nation.

Facebook

Restaurant: Taco Bell
Why: This one is too easy to devote time to explain. You love it and hate it, and it’s always there to spew out the same old shit you love and hate. If you are crying while you devour a 12-taco Party Pack solo, you are doing it right.

HAPPY EATING AND WEB SURFING!

7 Oscar Snubs

January 19, 2015January 19, 2015 mengx0011 Comment

It’s no real secret. I love movies. I don’t want to say the word “film,” because I think people that use that word in conversation are pretentious as hell. So, I will say that I love movies. I love going to them and talking about them. I love buying them the most (especially on sale). I don’t have a lot of hobbies anymore. If I did, I would say that watching movies would be one of them. It’s not even the escape that turns me on. It’s all about emotion. How does a movie make me feel? For a kid who labeled himself as an “EMOtional” person for several years, I think it’s pretty important. There are seriously no films with Elliot on the soundtrack? For shame.

I get especially butthurt when actors do not get their due. This seems especially relevant in context to this year’s Oscar nominations. My personal love-hate relationship with the Oscars began back during the 71st Academy Awards in 1999. That year, Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan for Best Picture. I have been extremely critical every year since . Here are a few Oscar snubs that make my list. These are for actors that failed to make Oscar contention (I won’t get into the sad history of Bill Murray’s Oscar career too much – just know that it WILL happen one day). When it comes down to it, great acting is all about entertainment value drawn from your emotional response: Am I entertained? Was it good? Do people like it? If you said yes to all three, I think there should be some sort of nod there.

My original list was comprised of 17 different actors who deserved an Oscar. For the sake of length, I narrowed it down to just seven.

1. Paul Dano – There Will Be Blood

“You are a stupid man, Abel. You’ve let someone come in here and walk all over us. You let him in and do his work here, and you are a stupid man for what we could have had.”

I saw this at the Naro in Norfolk with a few friends from grad school. I remember that I had to pee really bad because I downed a 32 oz. soda in its entirety within the first twenty minutes . I kept the urine in to the point of holding my crotch in pain because I didn’t want to miss a single minute. That’s how good it was. We all have to have principles, right? I remember walking out of the movie theater with an empty bladder and high spirits. I commented to one of my friends on the likelihood that Paul Dano would receive an Oscar nomination. Somehow, his portrayal of silver-tongued preacher Eli Sunday did not make the cut that year. It was shocking to say the least. The scene that really got to me was the church scene where he makes Daniel Plainview repent for his (many) sins. Don’t worry – his future sins were better. The camera angles alone in that scene alone are worth a gold statue. It still gives me chills. His voice was so shrill and cartoon-like that it almost didn’t work. Yet Dano sold it well. And the end? WHAT. Amazing. The pathetic shame-groveling was cinematic genius. It made me fearful of drinking milkshakes for at least a year. Why hasn’t this guy received his Oscar yet? It’s not like he falls back to his yachts and horde of hot chicks like Leo does. Get it together, white dudes who make all the movie decisions.

2. Steve Carell – Little Miss Sunshine

“Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.”

I thought his performance was real and heartbreaking. The scene on the pier when he is talking to Paul Dano’s character (who is also amazing) is one of the most honest movie scenes of recent memory. I think his rise in film was a bit too fast. He went from Office goof to a “respect me now” actor seemingly overnight. I don’t think anyone was ready for it. It looks like he is getting the respect he deserves with Foxcatcher.

3. Bill Murray – Rushmore

“Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.”

As far as Wes Anderson movies go, I still think this one is the best. I know what you are going to think – I have yet to see The Grand Budapest Hotel. That movie already has its share of Oscar buzz, anyways, so we won’t count it. I don’t want to get into my feels for Bill Murray or this movie because it would take too long. Whatever mistakes he made in his career (Garfield, anyone?), he makes up for in Rushmore. How many of us have wanted to do exactly what he does in the pool scene? Better yet, how many of us have wanted to do what he does throughout the entire movie? If you know me, then you know that he is my favorite actor. He REALLY delivers it in this one. A close second would be Broken Flowers. I will say, without going into too much detail, that I always cry when he is drinking coffee with Olivia Williams and she fixes his hair during the play intermission at the end. Ugh. Please be my fun Uncle, Bill. I will take dead aim.

4. Ed Harris – The Abyss

“Dont cry baby. Knew this was one way ticket, but you know I had to come. Love you wife.”

If that line doesn’t break you, I don’t know what will. For some reason, I always have a desire to watch this movie in the winter…maybe all that cold water from the movie.

I love Ed Harris as an actor. I can’t say that he is good in everything he does. That would be a HUGE lie (He almost ruined The Truman Show and Enemy at the Gates). His character in The Abyss, Virgil, is the everyman we all aspire to be deep down: caring, loyal, stubborn, handy, etc. Not too macho and not a bookish type, either. His performance really picks up when the Navy Seals show up. And what’s not to like about a movie with a little Navy stuff in it, eh? A close second for the Oscar nod would be Michael Biehn as Lt. Coffey, for sure. The fight scene with Biehn and the CPR scene with Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio are the best fifteen minutes of acting in his career.

5. Philip Seymour Hoffman – Boogie Nights

“I’m a fuckin’ idiot. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. Fuckin’ idiot, fuckin’ idiot, fuckin’ idiot…”

You can laugh all you want, Hoffman was incredible in this. The entire film is one big embarrassment transfer to begin with. Yet the scene with him and Mark Wahlberg outside with his new car brings awkwardness to a whole new and creepy level. Why couldn’t Dirk just kiss him back and love him? Such a sad and unfortunate character played by an equally sad and unfortunate actor. SO STUPIDDDD. I felt so bad for him. I was just glad he wasn’t a part of the botched robbery at Alfred Molina’s house. Work that boom, buddy. Dirk will come around. I’m still waiting for Boogie Nights 2: Dirk and Scotty.

To be fair, he probably wasn’t in the movie long enough to earn a nomination. Then again, Anne Hathaway won an Oscar for six minutes of screen time in a 75 hour musical. RIP P.S.H.

6. Diane Keaton – The Family Stone

“I love you. And you are more normal than any other… asshole sitting at this table. OK? OK. I need a fork.”

This movie destroys me. DESTROYS. ME. It’s the perfect blend of comedy and drama. Diane Keaton as the family matriarch is stunning. I think it is one of her best films in recent memory, even though you rarely hear about this movie or its star-studded cast. Sybil Stone takes the viewer through some serious laughs and some intense cries all the way up to the end. I don’t want to spoil it, but I will say to bring some tissues for this one. What I find so great about Diane Keaton is the way she finds a way to compliment her fellow actors and actresses in everything she is in. She did it in Father of the Bride (twice). She made Michael Corleone look even more sinister than he already was in The Godfather Part II. She can do anything. She is great…and still looks good in a men’s suit. First Wives Club isn’t Oscar worthy by any stretch, but it’s still pretty damn good.

7. Kathy Bates – Fried Green Tomatoes

“Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance.”

I recently watched this movie over again. When I say recent, I really mean yesterday. God bless you, Netflix. I was almost certain that she got an Oscar nod for this, and was deeply saddened when I scrolled through the IMDB and found that her counterpart Jessica Tandy received a nomination, but not her. What? Jessica Tandy was a great actress, but she barely made it in the movie. Kathy Bates’s transformation from beaten down wife to empowered Pre-Beyonce Beyonce (TAWANDA!) was a treat to watch from start to finish. Movies that have flash back subplots like this usually fail to match up to the main story told (Forrest Gump, Titanic). This movie, however, delivers in both past and present story lines. Kathy Bates holds the cast together, for sure. She seriously earned her Oscar for Misery. She also did for this film.

BONUS: Why are you popular?

This is a shortlist of people who I don’t understand how they get notoriety for being good actors. I just don’t get it.

1. Benedict Cumberbatch

He seriously looks like McDonald’s pink slime with a face. What humanoid factory did he stumble out of? I swear, some day he will become self-aware and alert Skynet that the humans are ready for takeover. He is a terrible actor who gets credit from geekdom for his roles in British shows people pretend to like. I assume most hate-watch it for street-cred. He was seriously terrible in Star Trek: Into Darkness. Scratch that – that whole movie was terrible. Which brings me to a final point: Dr. Who is bullshit and boring. It’s like a clingly ex-girfriend who keeps showing up on your Facebook feed. STAHP. I don’t care how much you like Sherlock Holmes, he played the creeper in Atonement way too well.

2. Vin Diesel

Look, I know you are Groot. That’s fantastic? I still have very little desire to see Guardians of the Galaxy (or any superhero movie) for quite a while. Make something original, please? Let’s not erase the fact that Vin Diesel cannot act. He is a pair of overpriced jeans, not an actor. It’s not even his real name. His real name is Mark Sinclair. Vin Diesel is like a bro’d out porn name you give yourself when you realize that the grainy video of you and your girlfriend humping from college might be “quality shit.” There are a few movies he is in that need subtitles. And I’m not talking about Stallone mush mouth, either. Diesel has his own brand of steroid-induced nonsense. His movies beg to be watched in low-fi television sets. Watching anything in IMAX with this guy is a gamble. I hope you bring your Speak ‘n Spell to his next flick. Let’s not forget that he is best known for making The Fast and the Furious, AKA Mario Kart: The Movie, seven different times. He is the frontman of the Nickelback of cinema. He got close to being good in the Chronicles of Riddick series. Real close. I thought the newest one was pretty decent (mostly because of Starbuck bewbs). Close….so close. But not enough.

Let me just put one point further: People that like Vin Diesel movies are 75% more likely to use hashtags on Facebook and post pictures of their car on Instagram. #sogood #FF7 #RIPPaulWalker #toosoon

3. Chris Pratt

Yes. I GET IT. You were the delightfully chubby guy from Parks and Rec. Now you are super cut and hot. That doesn’t mean you can act for shit, though. Please do not ruin Jurassic Park for me. Ian Malcolm demands it.

I can’t get on the bandwagon. He was/is funny in Parks and Rec. I will give him that. I can’t automatically like him because he stopped eating pizza and got super ripped. Quit putting these unrealistic representations of the human form on the screen. I’m glad he looks healthy, but he also was paid to work out, most likely with a 1,000/hr. personal trainer on retainer as well. I have mad respect for people that do what he did on their own and without the coaching. He just reminds me of the guy who posts his workout/crossfit videos on Facebook. Douche central. It is kind of sad because he is probably a super nice guy that doesn’t receive this kind of criticism. Ok, I already feel bad. He really is a nice guy. But I won’t retract my statement about him being a bad actor. He has his muscles and geekdom charm. That’s about it. I will continue to be fat and eat pizza out of the spotlight.

4. Mark Wahlberg

Seriously. You are a bad actor with a bad attitude. And your brother is married to Jenny McCarthy, who is certifiably crazy. The only good movie you were in was Three Kings. For comedic value, I’ll add The Other Guys to the list, although I think that movie was only funny because of Michael Keaton. I love Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights (see above), but I thought Wahlberg sucked up the screen time. More Juliane Moore and William H. Macy. And for the record: Nobody believed that was your dong. I looked it up. Twice. With pictures.

Nicole 4 eva.

5. Will Ferrell

I don’t get it. I thought Anchorman 2 was unwatchable. Just terrible. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies with tons of fart and dick jokes. Yet his recent string of movies are the literal worst. Should have stayed in SNL, bro.

His only good role in recent memory? Ashley Schaeffer. Give him an Emmy for that. That’s a role I can feel in my plums.

5 Things I Need That I Will Never Buy

August 6, 2014August 6, 2014 mengx001Leave a comment

As a student of the interwebs, I come across a lot of lists. There is no denying the “listmania” revolution is upon us. Do I really want to know ten different things everybody my age can identify with? No. Do I click on it anyway? Yes. Stupid internet.

If you are still reading this now, I hope I have caught you in this web. I wanted to come up with a list that is deeply personal to me as a (man) at the dawn of his thirtieth decade. In honor of national underwear day today, I came up with a list of 5 things I ALWAYS need, yet somehow avoid buying all the time.

1. A Sun Visor for my Car

I work at the Washington Navy Yard in Washington, DC. Unlike most people who work in DC, I have the option of free parking. Such luxury, however, comes at a price. I get up at 4:35am and drive into the yard to get to work at 5:45am. It’s beyond early. A friend of mine who works at the yard calls it “coming in with the vampires.” Anyways, its early. Driving to work has been a genuine pleasure. Although I get to work at the ass-crack of dawn, I have the option to leave in the early afternoon on my own time. Leaving this summer, however, has been more than a bitch. It’s been hot. I park my car in a small lot near the river’s edge in central yard. Needless to say, there is no shade for any of the vehicles there. By the time I get to my car at 2:30, it feels like an oven. It doesn’t help that 2:30 is usually the peak time for temperature. No amount of AC blasting will get it cool. By the time I get the car cool, I am back home in Alexandria. I have resorted to just rolling the windows down all the way home. Ironically, it’s actually cooler than trying to cool down the inside of a car that reaches over a hundred degrees on average each summer day. It’s not so bad, though; I get to smell the sweet air of DC Water everyday.

I park next to the same car every day. It’s a silver Mazda with a sun visor. I am half tempted to break into the car to see just how cool it feels at the end of the day. As much as I bitch and moan about how hot it is, I have yet to purchase a sun visor. I keep telling myself I don’t know where to find one.

I can’t wait until summer is over.

2. A Nice Suit/Nice Ties

I’ve never been one with good tastes in clothes. That doesn’t mean I don’t wouldn’t mind some. Sure, I have some nicer things that I wear (or that my fat ass can still fit into) from time to time, but I generally wear the same thing everyday. True story – I haven’t worn a pear of jeans in almost five years. All corduroy, baby. Every website that lists things a man my age “should have” by the time he reaches 30 is a nice tailored suit. Unfortunately, I deal with the mix and match. I rocked the professional look (brown jacket and slacks) for years, and I still bring it out on special occasions for work. Unless a giant cash flow comes in the near future, I will continue rocking the clothes I wear.

I get a little sad every time I walk by a nice suit in a store. For now, I’ll look like I am in a David Byrne video. Things to work for, though.

As far as the ties are concerned, all but one are hand-me-downs from my father. Why? To be honest, I generally suck at dressing myself and chose the most neutral tie choices to match any outfit. I am a poorly dressed chameleon. Also, nice ties are super expensive, and I don’t think I could pull off a power tie anyway.

Listen, if wearing sweatpants to work was acceptable, I would have one outfit.

3. A Potato Masher

This one is relatively self-explanatory. What the hell do you use to mash something if you don’t have a masher? My wife and I have resorted to using a hand blender. It works fine, but it’s truly not the same. I want to mash things, dammit. I want to reenact Alan Rickman stabbing the table in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves…but with potatoes.

This is really just a silent plea for more mashed potatoes.

4. Nice Underwear

You get me, Garth.

In the history of my adult life, I have never bought underwear that did not come in a 3 pack. That being said, the average shelf life of a Matt Eng pair of underwear is at least 6-7 years. Screw you, Marky Mark. I am the real face of the average underwear user.

By the time I am forced to throw them away, they have a look slightly reminiscent of tree rings. It’s magical. The crotch is all blown out and the elastic of the waistband is barely there. The sagging feeling feels like home to me. Looking back, it’s all I have ever really known.

“You know, if you got a nice pair of underwear, it would feel a lot better.”

I bet it would. The reason I have never bought nice underwear is pretty simple. Everybody always talks about their great pairs of broken in jeans. I don’t wear jeans (see above), but I do wear underwear. Mine are broken in and road tested. They are, as Garth said, a part of me. Do any guys really have nice underwear? Do guys buy nice underwear because they want the ladies to see it? Nah. If you don’t love me when I wake up in my frayed Haynes boxer briefs with two holes in the crotch, you prob. never will. Thankfully, my wife still tolerates it.

5. High Quality Toilet Paper.

This one is actually not for me. I asked Angela (my wife) if she had any suggestions about this blog story before I wrote it. Good toilet paper is the first thing she said to me when asked. It took maybe two seconds for her to think of an answer. When she said it, I could see the look of pain in her eyes, like she was dying for me to ask it for years now. Yet I will never waver on my decision to forgo buying expensive toilet paper. I feel like most readers will side with my significant other on this matter. No matter the price, everyone should have a good BM experience. TP is usually the icing on the cake. For my household, one person in particular loathes the experience, so I guess I have to explain myself. My reasons are pretty simple. And, since this one is about poop, I must go into detail.

A. The Clog Issue
Thick toilet paper that is more than double ply (AKA Charmin, Quilted Northern, etc.) are more likely to clog up a toilet. I would much rather be a “rough rider” than have to pump poo through a clogged system at 3am. Call me crazy. You might ask yourself, “maybe you can wipe less.”

Come on…..come on. I do what I need to do to get the job done. END OF STORY.

B. If I Wanted a Peanut Butter Sandwich, I’d Make One
I don’t like the feeling of soft toilet paper. It’s not a pleasant one. I don’t feel in control. I don’t have a control issue overall, unless I am making food sausages.

Listen. I need to feel it. I need to know what I am doing. In short, my buttocks needs to know I am boss. I am the king of my body functions. And I will wipe away the sins of my food choices in any way I see fit. I don’t want to feel like I am wiping myself with wedding cake. Yes..I went there.

And for God sakes, I will never do the wet wipes thing. The last thing I want to feel on my butt is wetness on wetness. It actually gives me shivers.

C. Until the three seashell method is adopted, I will keep on doing it the same way. Your move, John Spartan.

HONORABLE MENTION: Quality Shaving Cream/Razors.

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE RAZORS ARE! This one is for all the ladies, as well. I have to shave just my face. Most women shave much, much more. That kind of wear and tear is both tiring and very expensive. Thankfully, a Costco membership helps, but even that goes only so far. Discount or no discount, you are always going to shell out serious dough to make your face silky smooth.

The problem is, my face is never completely smooth because my shaving cream is, according to my wife, “the cheapest shit possible.” She isn’t wrong. You can get a can of Barbasol relatively anywhere for only a few bucks. I prefer the menthol scent. I love that it’s cheap, but I do hate that it almost always leaves me feeling half done when I am finishing up.

…and please don’t tell me about Dollar Shave Club. Those razors are pretty shit. I really do like my Mach 3 razor. It feels amazing for those first two weeks of use. Then it starts getting harder and harder to shave, getting to the point of almost digging into your skin to get the stubble off. If I ever upgrade from the two, it will be the cream and not the razor. For now, I can dream about a simpler time when good shaving cream was abundant and plentiful…