parody – Delusional Thoughts From Fantasy Island

People have been taking social media and the Internet way too seriously lately. On top of that, the political candidates of certain parties continue to bum me out. With all this sadness and political incorrectness going on today, how about having a little fun. I think we could all use a laugh…why not do it with political BDSM fan fiction?

It was a night of political gridlock in South Carolina. Another city, another long and intense debate. The assembled masses of ardent supporters flocked to the auditorium to hear their candidates speak. Fingers pointed and mouths flapped the truths of a continued socialist nightmare looming in the distance horizon should any of their political counterparts win the election. Candidates blamed President Obama and his political stranglehold on the Republican party patriots. The air was thick with opinions and casual racism. It was an exhausting event. Nobody felt that more than Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz was tired. After spending the majority of the evening sparring with his Republican foes on stage, all he wanted to do was go back to his dressing room and relax for fifteen minutes before his car came to take him to his hotel. The next day meant more stops on the campaign trail up north in New Hampshire. Cruz shook his head and thought how long the road was to election. More cities. More hands to grip and grin at. More. More. More. How could a face like his continue to smile with so much pain behind it. What he needed was a break. He needed a release. But how?

Cruz told his assistant Grace that he would be in his dressing room for an half hour or so before his ride came to get him. He did not want to be disturbed. His shoulders slunk as tiredness sank into his body like a cold Calgary winter. He just needed to close his eyes and relax. As he turned down the hallway of the auditorium’s backstage, he walked into the room marked “T. Cruz” and opened the door.

This WAS his dressing room, at least earlier in the evening. In fact, his bags and briefcase were still on the chair beside the back table. Everything else in the room was different. The most noticeable difference in the room was the presence of his foe, Donald Trump. Trump sat upright with back was turned to Senator Cruz. He was still wearing his suit from the debate. Well, most of it at least. He rotated around from the back table and grinned at his guest through his ivory white porcelain veneers.

“Oh, hello Ted,” Trump said. “It’s good to see you here. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable.” Trump began to sway his generous white hips back and forth. Frank Sinatra played low on a small set of Bose speakers nearby. Trump looked both calm and reserved. More importantly, he appeared to be in a mood largely foreign to Ted over the last few weeks: relaxed. Ted wanted to relax as well, but not with Trump around. That went double for him in his own dressing room.

“Make myself comfortable? Are you serious?” Cruz began to point his finger at Trump in the same manner he did on stage just minutes before. Little did Cruz know that it was one of Trump’s biggest triggers. “What are you doing in my dressing room?” Trump was the last thing Ted wanted to see this evening, especially after the way he was viciously attacked just minutes ago.” Or so he thought.

“Oh, right…about that. I decided to consolidate our rooms for the evening. I think after the things I said, we need to talk it out and see if we can find some common ground. Maybe we can explore more. Can I pour you a scotch?”

“No, I don’t want anything to drink, I want you to get the hell out of my room!” Cruz’s sad, pudding face curved down. His lips drew back from his teeth and he began to anger more inside. The sensation felt hot. He felt something else inside as the anger droned in and out of him. Something new weaved into the insanity of his hate quilt. It wasn’t his opposition to women’s rights or his support to overturn the Gay Marriage Amendment. It was something else, deeper even. Was it…love? acceptance? No, surely not. How silly. This wasn’t some schoolyard kids game. This was his room and he wanted Trump out.

But the kid gloves were off, and so was Donald Trump’s pants.

cruz “Shut the door, Ted,” he said. Trump proceeded to take his shirt off and add it to the small pile of clothes on the floor. His look was strong and determined.

“Absolutely not,” Cruz roared back. “I’m not going to stand for this in MY dressing room. If you want to change, you should go do it in your own room, Donald.”

Cruz’s voice began to tremble. His lip quivered as a small river of cold sweat began to trickle down his ample forehead. “I….I want you to leave Donald.” Trump merely looked back at him and shook his head from side to side.

Trump sauntered towards Cruz. He began to touch himself through his Armani boxers. “You like what you see, Ted?” His eyes were piercing. “That’s a big rod of New York steel pointed straight at you. I’d like to introduce you to Trump Tower.” Cruz jumped back. He was about to flee from the room before Trump ramped up again. Trump’s voice, louder now, seemed determined to keep Cruz there with him. Alone. “Just you wait, it’s gonna be HUUUGE.” At that moment, Ted realized this wasn’t a normal situation. This was special, and Trump had chosen him. On the dresser in the room, near the tanning cream and vat of children’s tears, was a giant bottle of petroleum jelly. But for what?

“You’re all talk,” Cruz Said, “and I completely meant what I said up there tonight.” Cruz did not shut the door, but turned his back to it and walked closer to Trump, who continued to touch himself. “I don’t even think you’re a true Republican. You come from a town that’s socially liberal, supports abortions, and is entirely focused on the media. You’re self obsessed. I mean, look at you. Why the hell won’t you stop touching yourself. You are not displaying the values of a good candidate for this party. This must be how they do it in New York, because it is certainly NOT how we do it down in Texas or up in Canada. Does this get you off talking down to me like this, treating me like a piece of meat?”

“As a matter of fact, it does. I am dominant, and I need a good slave.” Despite the hesitation and confusion in his eyes, Cruz continued to listen. Trump pulled a ball gag, handcuffs, and blindfold out of a duffle bag next to the crumpled pile of expensive clothes. “Well, Texas,” Trump said, “I’m about to whip some New York values out of you.” I want you to put this blindfold on and ‘feel the burn,’ as they say.

Senator Cruz had enough. It was time for him to leave. He shook a disapproving head silently at Trump and headed back towards the door. As his sweaty palm gripped the door knob and turned it clockwise, he released his grip. Ted could not believe what he was doing. He lifted his cell phone up to his ear to call his assistant. Trump looked hesitant once again. His jowls turned up in disapproval. But there was hope there, and not the kind that Obama continued to spout over the last eight years.

“Hi, Grace, it’s Senator Cruz. Yeah, I am going to need another half-hour before you guys take me to my hotel.” They continued to talk for a few more seconds. Cruz stared into Trump’s piercing eyes. “I guess something just came up.” He closed his phone and kneeled down on the ground towards Trump: his first act of submission.

“Alright, Ted,” Trump said with a wide smile across is artificially tanned face, “let’s make America great again.” Trump walked past him and shut the door.

I love music. I love listening to it and collecting it. The best bar conversations are arguments over music, hands down. When it comes to music, I generally prefer the original song compared to a cover. There are some exceptions, such as Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” (Leonard Cohen), Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails), and The White Stripes’s “Jolene” (Dolly Parton). In these specific cases, the cover vastly outweighs the greatness of the original. Purists be damned.

Let me preface this post – I am not a music elitist, despite what many of my friends say. That being said, certain covers of music are just…bad. They move beyond simply poorly executed music and move into the realm of audio-holocaust. No music anthology is more responsible for this than Kidz Bop. In case you don’t know, Kidz Bop music compilations takes the most popular music of the day (What you would mostly see on a NOW compilation) and record kid-friendly versions of these songs. In order to make the songs appropriate for children, many of the lyrics and changed AND SUNG by a chorus of kids. That’s right, each track is a sing a long. I can only imagine a “cool guy” youth pastor trying to pass these songs off at a church social function.

Here is my list of the top 10 most upsetting Kidz Bop songs. I based my choices on each track having at least one of the three following criteria:

Horrible versions of otherwise good songs.
Drastic changes to the lyrics.
The offensive nature of the lyrics – sung by children.

Without further ado – my top 10. They are most certainly in order.

10. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand (Kidz Bop 8)

Why It’s Bad: This is a great example of a terrible version of an otherwise good song. I was never the biggest fan of Franz Ferdinand. To be completely honest, they were my least favorite of the early 2000s garage rock explosion. The track feels hastily put together; more so than any normal Kidz Bop track. The chorus of kids shouting in the background sounds confused and rushed, like an updated chorus to Another Brick in the Wall, but way shittier.

Most Upsetting Aspect: For sure, the most upsetting aspect of the song is hearing the kids sing “I want you…to take me out.” Something is not right about that. I am listening to it in reverse so I can hear “free candy and ice cream” in the background.

9. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: I was actually surprised this song made it on the list. The lead singer and kid chorus rarely match up in vocal range. Somebody is flat the entire time, even with the heavily-used autotune. The synthesizer sounds like Windows ’95 MIDI.

Most Upsetting Aspect: I find myself asking the need for the song in the first place. Kids won’t associate with this song at all. It’s something, as grownups, we kinda smile and laugh at now. All I can hear is a bunch of kids singing “die” over and over again. You know why I am blue? A bunch of creepy kids are telling me to go die: da ba dee da ba DIE.

8. Hey Soul Sister – Train (Kidz Bop 18)

Why It’s Bad: As far as overplayed pop songs, it was a toss-up between this and Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I chose this one because I actually enjoy the Gotye song, whereas this song gives me a sick feeling in my stomach every time I hear it. It’s not that it’s overplayed and popular. I love pop music. It’s that it sucks. This version is somehow worse than the original. The only voice you really hear the entire time is the lead (adult) female singer, so all it really sounds like is a really bad cover of an already terrible song.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Instead of the lyrics “My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest,” the words “beating chest” are put in. I guess that’s good, considering a female is singing it. It does get better. Instead of “like a virgin, you’re Madonna,” the words “like a pop star, you’re Madonna” is sung instead. Madge is not amused.

7. Float On – Modest Mouse (Kidz Bop 7)

Why It’s Bad: The lead singer has a hard time finding his voice. Half the time, he sounds like a karaoke version of Billy Joel. The other half of the song sounds reminiscent of the lead singer of the Arcade Fire. It’s a really weird and upsetting mix. The reverb-laden twang guitar, a signature sound of Modest Mouse, is sanitized and poured over with saccharine-sweet melodies that only vaguely resemble the original. It kinda sounds like somebody butchering your favorite song at Guitar Center. It’s a shame. I really like this song. The Lonesome Crowded West is still one of the best albums put out in the late 1990s. The next Kidz Bop should have “Cowboy Dan” in it.

Most Upsetting Aspect: None of the lyrics are really changed in the song. That’s good, I guess. They did add a few signature “YEAH’s!” into the mix. Maybe I am more upset that nothing was changed. It is kind of funny to hear a chorus of kids sing “Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.”

6. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake (Kidz Bop 4)

Why It’s Bad: So bad. I really love this song. Thanks for ruining J.T.’s best track, Kidz Bop. This is one of the few instances where the kids make up for the truly crap job the lead singer did. I can imagine a struggling bar musician calling up his friends about a “big gig” lined up in LA. That gig was probably in an hourly rental studio space shared with a Chinese restaurant in Ohio somewhere where they recorded this human garbage. Each recorded track comes with one from Column A and one from Column B. The dude singing is really trying to channel Michael Jackson and failing. Ironic. Too soon?

Most Upsetting Aspect: The background beat-boxing is precious. I don’t know, it’s just really bad. The subject matter is bad for kids. The vocal stylings of the main singer make it unlistenable. The kids almost sound cute singing. This is not a cute song. 0/10.

5. Fly – Sugar Ray (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: The first two Kidz Bop records were really bad. Maybe that’s because I can clearly remember most of the tracks on there. I originally had Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” in this spot, but decided to include Sugar Ray’s seminal track “Fly” instead. Why? You will have to listen for yourself.

Most Upsetting Aspect: The lead male singer is truly upsetting. More upsetting than the song itself. More upsetting than Mark McGrath’s obvious plastic surgery. He sounds like Raffi got drunk and stumbled into a Golden Corral that also does karaoke. You can almost taste the bourbon street chicken and chocolate wonderfall when you listen to this. RIP adolescence…..RIP.

4. Higher – Creed (Kidz Bop 2)

Why It’s Bad: Do you remember when the lead singer of this band made news last year about how he was dead broke and living in his car? The gas for that vehicle is paid for with the royalties from this song. I think the guy that sang Fly sang this song, too.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Everything. This one is too easy. If you haven’t watched “Creed Shreds,” do it. That still sounds better than this. The solo towards the end of the song is embarrassing. I am really bad at guitar, but I think I could have done better on the first take. I feel bad for the kids that had to sing on this song. When the chorus comes in, the kids sound completely bored. I can imagine a few of them yawning in the recording studio. A few of them probably thought, “I could be playing my Nintendo Gamecube right now.” Let’s not go there, Scott.

3. Alejandro – Lady Gaga (Kidz Bop 18)

Why It’s Bad: As far as production and talent, this is one of the better ones on the list. I’m not the biggest fan of Lady Gaga, but she does have a few catchy songs. I did like the first version of this song, Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita.” That’s right, I said it. So, this version is a copy of a copy. It’s a decent song that has no place in a kids album.

Most Upsetting Aspect: Lyrics like “babe” and “hot like Mexico” are changed to “girl” and “just like Mexico.” Naturally, when the words “but her boyfriend’s like her dad” comes up, they have to change it. I would certainly hope so. Who produced this track, Chris Hansen? Every CD purchase comes with cookies and lemonade.

2. Lips of An Angel – Hinder (Kidz Bop 11)

Why It’s Bad: This is my least favorite song on this list. Hands down. To have kids subjected to singing this is wrong. It is hilarious though that you can hear how into it the lead adult singer is. The song is just straight up inappropriate.

Most Upsetting Aspect: When the kids provide the backup vocals to the lyrics “Well my girl’s in the next room/Sometimes I wish she was you.” I hear that and am already starting the water for the shower. Ugh.

1. Livin’ La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin (Kidz Bop 1)

Why It’s Bad: I don’t care what you say, this song is crazy catchy. The music video was pretty dope, too. But when you get kids singing it word for word the entire song, it crosses the realm of inappropriate and into the absurd. The kids yell and scream in the background throughout the song. I think that will haunt my dreams for a few years.

Most Upsetting Aspect: This is an extremely sexual song and NONE of the lyrics were changed. Maybe they didn’t care as much when they first put these out. But damn, kids talking about taking their clothes off and drinking champagne? Bad form. I just hope that these kids, who are probably now graduating from college or in the work force, are not scarred from this. No bullets to the brain, please.

Tag: parody

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