We need to talk for a minute about a silent epidemic that’s sweeping this nation. Forget about influenza or the measles. Anti-vaccers have no power here. We are talking about pasturbation. I said that correctly: PAST-UR-BATION. Pasturbation is the true clear and present danger in the United States right now. If you are reading this, you have probably pasturbated in the last twenty-four hours. My God – you might be pasturbating RIGHT NOW.
What is pasturbation? Let me tell you.
pas·tur·ba·tion noun \ˌpas-tər-ˈbā-shən\
: self satisfactory stimulation from one’s recollection of past life experiences spoken to an individual or group of individuals who have no interest in listening; commonly resulting in dull, witless conversation and verbal diarrhea; causes occasional friend or relationship ending, swallowed sadness, self loathing, or a combination of these agencies.
Individuals prone to Pasturbation may experience the following symptoms:
- An inflated sense of self-purpose.
- Sounding dull and baseless to your friends and loved ones.
- Living in a residence in or around the Ghent neighborhood of Norfolk, VA or Brooklyn, NY.
- Referring to “we” in reference to professional sports teams.
- Uses hashtags on social media platforms other than Twitter.
- Starting conversations with “Do you remember that time?”
- The desire to senselessly name drop in casual conversation.
- Spouting long diatribes about the differences between “rap” and “hip hop,” while pretending to like neither.
- Asking you rhetorical questions without giving you the time to answer.
- Giving yourself a nickname.
- Posting inspirational quotes on their Facebook wall.
Pasturbation, not unlike masturbation, is a complete act of self-satisfaction. Both actions satisfy the individual performing the act, often at the expense of others. They don’t hurt anyone in particular, but can cause some issues to surface. There are no myths or legends associated with pasturbation. Your palms won’t get hairy. You won’t go cross-eyed. You can’t eat Kellog’s Corn Flakes to reverse its symptoms. You’ll just look a little more like a douchebag each time you do it. Put simply, pasturbation is all about talking about the glorious days of your past while in the present.
Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all done it. More importantly, we have all endured listening to it happen and done nothing about it. There are events in all of our lives that we want to remember in the good times in the bad. Maybe you were hot shit in high school. Maybe you won a spelling bee. Remember that winning touchdown you scored, or the three-pointer from pee wee league basketball? Well, nobody else does. Did any of these events have a direct effect on where you are now in life? Probably not. But we still hold them close to the vest like some sort of life-experience talisman.
For me, I tend to go back to the glory days of my teenage youth when I played music in bands. It was a great time in my life that I look back fondly. It’s honestly fun to talk about. Everybody loves a little bass guitar and angst mixed together. I probably don’t need to bring it up in public, as it likely sounds show-boaty and pretentious. So why do I do it? What purpose does it really serve? In the end, these ruminations only help myself. Nobody wants that – nobody wants to be that guy, right?
In order to avoid being “that person,” I’m here to help you when pasturbation strikes. If you or a loved one are experiencing the onset of a pasturbating individual, do one of the following to counteract its effect:
- Begin talking about different things that also happened in the year they are pasturbating on. For example: “Cool story bro. The same year you threw that game-winning touchdown in the game, Master P was relevant.” Or perhaps try “1991? That was a really good year for Jodeci.”
- Find an emotional flaw and exploit it like an Achilles’ heel. Pasturbation tends to bring many of those insecurities to the surface.
- Mimic their own verbal diarrhea by farting in your hand and lifting it up to their nose. This should casually stop all conversation.
- Take a fake phone call on your phone and step aside for a moment. Hope to God that no ACTUAL phone call comes through. This move has equal risk and benefits associated with it.
- Or just simply walk away.
Living out your glory days in the present does nothing for your future unless you’re in a job interview with your resume or portfolio in front of you. That’s about it. I mean seriously, who wants to live out the lyrics of a Bruce Springsteen song? Have you every actually listened to the lyrics of “Glory Days?” It’s a wonderful song, but the words are seriously depressing and sad. Don’t be that person.
The worst form of pasturbation is with mixed company. I know that many of us (including myself) are victims and offenders of this.
Here is a common scenario. I’ll put it in typical screenwriting format to make it
easier. Perhaps you can act it out with your friends or loved ones.
PASTURBATION: THE ONE ACT PLAY
LOCAL BAR – EVENING
John is meeting up with his girlfriend Laura and a few of her college friends at a local watering hole on a Thursday evening. John walks into the bar after work and sees Laura conversing with her two friends, Stacy and Denise.
JOHN
Hey Babe. How are you?
LAURA
Hey honey, I’m good! I want to introduce you to my
girlfriends from college, Stacy and Denise.
They all introduce each other and shake hands. Smiles are shared all around. John stops the waitress to order a beer.
JOHN
Really great to finally meet you guys in person.
STACY
Definitely. It’s been what….two years since you guys
started dating!?
JOHN
Yeah. Pretty crazy. So what are you girls talking about?
DENISE
OMG, John. We were just talking about some good times
we had in college.
The girls point up to the air and shout in unison.
LAURA/STACY/DENISE
KAPPA ZETA NU!!!!
JOHN
Jesus, Laura. I didn’t know you were in
a sorority.
STACY
John, did you know how hot your girlfriend
was back then? So. Effing. Hot. God, we
had some fun times.
JOHN
Totally. So where do you guys work?
DENISE
Do you remember that time we all got
trashed at the spring formal? Stacy you were
soooo wasted.
STACY
Well, duh, you would be wasted too if you got
a perfect score on Professor Dungy’s political
science exam. I did so well on it. I remember
nailing the second essay question about the U.N.
response to Rwanda. I thought I was going to fail, but
aced it. Go me! Man, I was SO good at political science,
you know? I wanted to change the world.
JOHN
Oh, that’s great. Do you work in politics now?
STACY
No, I ended up majoring in communications. I work as a receptionist for my dad’s construction company.
JOHN
Oh. I’m sorry.
John begins to think about ways he can pass the time and wait for the pasturbatory circle jerk to end. Should he go to the bathroom? No. That won’t last too long. Fake sickness? No. He would have to deal with that when he got home. I guess the only thing to do is to sit and deal with it.
STACY
Why should you be sorry, John? Being a receptionist
is kinda fun. I mean, what are fantasies, anyway?
I gave up on those “pie in the sky” hopes and dreams after
I married Tony.
JOHN
Is Tony your husband?
STACY
Uh, yeah. He is a piece of shit. I’m sure he’s at home
with the kids now. I don’t want to talk about depressing
stuff.
JOHN
But…
STACY
Tony doesn’t have shit on Roger, the guy I dated
sophomore year. He was beautiful. Do you remember
him? He looked like Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life.
I remember I once screamed out “Where’s Tino” during sex.
DENISE
You slut!
STACY
Whatever, you’re the slut. I should really Facebook stalk
roger. He probably wants to hear about the times we had
awkward, non-pleasant sex over a decade ago.
John continues to look at his watch and fondle the rim of his glass uncomfortably like a blind stripper auditioning on Star Search.
STACY
Remember when we all got dressed up and went
door-to-door asking for shots and beers?
LAURA
Oh my gawd, that was so crazy! Denise, I thought
you were going to make out with the guy in the apartment
across from us. He was sooooo cute.
DENISE
Um, YEAH HE WAS! He wanted some of this
body. Who wouldn’t God, I used to have a rocking bod.
I could go to the gym once a year and eat
anything I want. Those were the days.
John, you could bounce a quarter off my ass!
It was incredible. You girls didn’t have it easy like
me back then…but I’m paying for it now,
right? Sorry John. I guess you’d have to be there.
JOHN
Pretty much…
John gives a half smile to feign passing interesting in whatever basic shit they are talking about from the past. He stares into his beer and ponders how many of these it will take to make the conversation interesting again. He just left work, and now he is fantasizing about what kinds of things he will copy tomorrow morning when he gets in at 9am.
The waitress walks by their table. John flags her down.
JOHN
Hi. Excuse me. Can I get four tequila shots?
WAITRESS
Oh, okay. Is this for the table?
JOHN
No, this is just for me.
So what is the lesson we learned here? There are certainly victims to pasturbation. There are side effects. I think the best thing we can do is be aware of it and its dangers. Living in the past only makes your present day situation THAT much sadder. Nobody wants to be sad. Be proud of who you are, recognize past events, and move on. Live in the now. Stop pasturbation.
Delusional Thoughts From Fantasy Island 